All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?

Today is, or begins, the Ides of March depending on which interpretation one follows. While the only person in recorded history whose demise is connected to the date (s) Julius Caesar, there is no reason for any of us to take chances what with spring just around the corner.

The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is hillbilly talk.

When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar.  Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to amaze and frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.

Along with all this ascribing to Caesar, we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**

Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?

Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Cease your power trips. They may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated colleagues.

And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.

Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife.  It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.

The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.

But alas, poor Caesar.

*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.

**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.

Mobs Attack Science Fair

(Cajones, MO) Prompted by local climate deniers an angry crowd attacked an itinerant science exhibit here scattering participants and obliterating over 100 booths before disengagement.

The mob, leftover from an anti-immigration rally held here last night smashed displays and interrupted demonstrations of alternative energy and evolution before moving on to burgers and fries in a secure pavilion provided by a local soft drink concern.

The Earth Is Flat Society, the Know Nothing Party and several local religious sects denied involvement in the destruction although leaflets distributed before the assault bore the birthmarks of previous intervention.   

“It’s the devil’s workbook,” said one Calvinist preacher. “There is nothing about these secular postulates in our teachings. They are dirty like sex education and voting for a Democrat.”

Physics and chemistry are not offered in the mandatory public education curriculum…especially at the middle school level. As a result many of the zombies involved in the violence see these disciplines as witchcraft.

Progressive elements, busy cleaning up the mess, blamed the outburst on the use of Teflon in the kitchen, the constant exposure to talk radio and the daily consumption of trash food.

“It’s the standard xenophobic boilerplate,” said one chemist from Moline. “Up until now no one has successfully produced stupidity in a test tube but it is not for the lack of effort.”

– Juliene Pettifogger

Senator calls for more security on Wall

(Sterile Sands, AZ)) More guards may be needed to protect the expanding Trump Wall from pilfering says Senator Quincy Chirpe (GOP) of West Virginia. The call for increased vigilance arrives as chunks of wall were reported missing this morning along the entire US border with Mexico.

Poor people south of the border are using the easily accessed material to build houses. The porous structure, haphazardly built and improperly aligned to prevent erosion and water damage is an expensive diversion that appears unable to stop refugees from crossing at will.

“The Wall will keep out airplanes too and boats and…socialism and bad people and…” – Senator Chirpe of West Virginia says wall will be built of coal.

“We see this monument to stupidity as just another Trump fantasy that was never meant to function at any level other than pandering the president’s shrinking base,” said Rep. Alice Carbonfoote, a Democrat from Charleston. “Wasn’t the control of migration the original idea behind this monstrosity?” she asked before being threatened by wall work crews, angry that they had not yet been paid promised wages and blaming their fiscal desperation on “swamp-dwelling liberals”.

“We will probably have to build a wall around the wall to protect the wall,” said Chirpe. “Fortunately we have Russian backing and an unlimited supply of bricks. We also have a horde of trigger-happy militias intent on blood,” he grinned.

The bird-legged Chirp has received much notoriety after promising his constituents that the entire border barricade would be built of West Virginia coal. A loyal Trump ally since the Obama Birth Certificate Scandal, Chirpe was the inspiration for the Gold Brick Program where enthusiastic supporters of non-existent immigration policies can write their name on the concrete barrier for posterity and $500 cash (no checks).

For more information on how you can support corruption, ignorance and racism go to www.wizardwall.com and make a pledge.

“This beautiful, terrific and wonderful wall on the Mexican border has been so successful that we’re building another intergalactic wall to protect us from space creatures and comets,” bragged Chirp. “It will stretch from Venus to Pluto and be constructed of good ol’ West Virginia coal, too” said Chirpe. “But we won’t start on that one until after the 2020 election. Even President Trump can’t do everything for our country in so short a time.”

In a related development: fumigators were observed at the White House again Friday for the second time this week. A revolving administration staff source insisted the claim was fake news despite thousands of photographs to the contrary snapped by on-site security cameras.

– Sally Peaches

A finca in the sky

The wonders of Antioquia continue to unfold at a coffee finca at 7,000 feet. Looking down on flocks of birds and absorbing the rich greens as enhanced by the best coffee on the planet. Photo by Delinda Austin

Health and Stealth

with Melvin Toolstoy

Broken hearts not considered a pre-existing condition

In a blow to rejected lovers the House today voted in favor of the insurance cartel saying that lost love does not constitute a threat to life and therefore is not automatically included in basic medical or surgical treatment on most policies.

In addition, broken hearts could not be classified as a pre-existing condition but that persons with multiple love calamities and worn track records could still be denied coverage.

“This decision heavily favors those who embrace monogamy or who have not yet met the right person,” said Doctor Simon Lackluster of the Mao Clinic. “People who are not in touch with their libidos should not have to worry about emergency room etiquette and are free to seek treatment in more progressive cultures where medicine does not have a steep price tag.”

The announcement said nothing of exorbitant prescription costs and the absence of the Hippocratic Oath on medical balance sheets in the United States.

Any procedures compliant with freethinking and alternative care are not covered under Medifaire. Instead white tipped canes will be handed out to those blinded by emotion.

Executive insurance policies still promise “You can take it with you even though that has yet to be confirmed by anyone in a position of authority.

Trump Declares Every Night is Taco Night

(Key Lardass) In apparent celebration of his bogus acquittal in an iniquitous Senate, Donald Trump has proclaimed Every Night Is Taco Night. The announcement came at a no expenses paid MAGA rally where hired supporters donned hats and waved flags behind the president so as to stimulate television factions at home.

A follow-up book burning was then held on the White House lawn even though it is clearly prohibited by the First Amendment. Sadly, some 300,000 copies of Triggered by Donald Trump Jr. were mistakenly burned in the melee that (according to the White House) drew some 7 million devotees.

Sales of Triggered have been less than pathetic. Critics link the poor performance to the right-wing’s discomfort with the printed word. The smoldering copies (chronicling the life and times of singing cowboy Roy’s Rogers horse named Trigger) will be categorized as sold, bumping overall sales upwards toward 300,666.

“We should have read the book to them over the radio,” said one now banished publisher, who added that his company has suspended the printing of three-dollar bills with two faces of vice-president Mike Pence on each.

Clerics who support the president drove home a GOP claim that Jesus supports fracking.

“It’s right there in the Bible,” squeaked one.

Meanwhile Americans from Iraq to Indiana can enjoy a bag of cut-rate tacos and then go back to sleep.

– Kashmir Horseshoe