All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

CHUCKHOLE APOLOGY

In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.

Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.

Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.

We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.

Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).

High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.

 – Beyon’ Dynamite

Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated

(Arabica, Colombia) Coffee City has relented after an outpouring of public support for Hector Mancastle, the blind moto-raton driver that almost lost his livelihood here in this beautiful Andean village.

Last month, after complaints by tourists that Mancastle could not see them during primary ride negotiations, the city fathers and mothers confirmed that he had failed all driver testing. Furthermore they said he could no longer possess a driver’s permit (indeed he could not even see the written test) and therefore could no longer perform his duties as a conductor within the village limits. A copy of their decision was forwarded to officials in Antioquia.

“It’s vicious age discrimination,” said his half-sister Melba.

Mancastle is 95.

“I’ve been driving this here tuk-tuk for 58 years and although I can’t tell you its color I can say that I never hit anything.”      – Homer Mancastle, blind conductor.

It’s like that cow dog in front of the tourist train that began to bark if the thing didn’t embark exactly on-schedule each hour. That was all according to his canine calendar but this is a story about freedom and survival. What was Hector supposed to do, sit in the shade near the Arabica Hotel and bullshit all day?

“He may bee blind but he sure has a line of it,” said one younger driver who at 79 operates as many as three moto-ratons simultaneously, a standing record in the Andes since chewing gum was invented.

-Alfalfa Romero

Wong Hamstring Haunts Coaching Staff

The jury is still out in the hamstring case of High Flyer’s ace Wilber Wong who pulled the tendon while bicycling across the Azores in search of the perfect rosin vineyard last summer.

“Actually he may have snapped a wishbone,” said personal trainer Corky Kellerheistermann. “We’re taking precautionary action just the same.”

Sources unfamiliar with these proceedings say he won’t be back in pads and skylights until Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile Wolfgang “Porky” Leviathan’s hamstring came back negative according to team physicians who say Leviathan will overnight at the Mao Clinic before undergoing stuffing surgery on Wednesday. Doctors there assured us that his sacroiliac would be as good as giblet gravy in a week or two.

“I’m not afraid to die,” said the three-time champion and bad boy goalie Leviathan. “I just hope my insurance covers the medical bills.”

-Suzie Compost

Colorado could be out of weather by 2028

(Mack) The state of Colorado may find itself without measurable weather in less than 10 years say television climatologists and high altitude meteorologists here in the shadows of the Beehive State.

The impending disaster, ignored by most workaday residents and the thinly insulated affluent, could be on us sooner if past indications interface well with mounds of weather data reaching back before your first tooth. Although no one really understands what it might be like without any weather. Scientists can manipulate data but there is no hinge here, no connection since nothing like this has ever been recorded.

Imagine a day without sun, rain, wind or cold. What would that be like? Would darkness and light be affected? Would plants grow? Would animals continue to exist? Would the earth’s population by cut in half?

Would monster storms and climate refugees cease to exist?

“We must act now if we hope to prevent a disaster,” said Mark Oak, a weatherman who watches the whole mess from his mountain retreat in Nepal. “It may already be too late but I am not one to sit around on my hands when my world is collapsing around me.”

Meteorologists across the country blame humans for these global atrocities.

“You can blame methane gas, consumerism, ignorance, tribalism, self-worship, and go on and on, tying up the package with a black ribbon if you like, but it won’t save us,” said Oak. The only thing to do now to preserve our way of life and protect our precious genes is to hitch a ride to Mars.”

Concerned and responsible residents are urged to collect and forcibly can and conserve  unattended weather in apprehension of the day when we will be without. Some home self-generating adjustment will help but the damage has been done. It’s just one way the earth is asking us to “please leave”.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Overheard in Union Hall, West Cork, Republic of Ireland, May, 2019

Diner: “I’ll have the two pork chops, the rashers, two Clonakilty sausages, and black pudding.

Waiter: Would you like some meat with that?

Cleanup of Nude Beaches Set For Weekend

(Blue Mesa) The annual spring cleanup of the region’s nude beaches will be held this Saturday morning. Persons wishing to participate are asked to bring lawn tools, plastic bags and a good attitude. It is projected that over 400 volunteers will be needed to do the job.

Organizers warn that the cleanup must be completed before hunting season so as to avoid losing heavy revenues from hunters and to prevent the unfortunate incidents of he past. The two distinct groups do not interface well and, in the landmark case Elmer vs Tarzan, a hunter allegedly mistook a nude bather for an elk and fired away. Fortunately he was a bad shot and the volatile episode passed peacefully.

“The kind of rough and ready nudists that visit these often frigid shores are in search of solitude, peace and a natural state of affairs,” said Syd Skynn, proprietor of Syd’s Sun Screen Ventures located at Chicken Bay. “Besides, they’re very picky about cleanliness and grooming.”

Nudists, often perceived as minimalists, still leave a footprint. In their efforts to embrace the natural life they are generally respectful and tidy. However a few beer cans and an occasional plastic bag can be poorly discarded or left behind.

Experts project that nude bathers will spend in excess of 4.3 million dollars on the Western Slope this summer which is three times more than the combined sum spent by RV enthusiasts and mushroom hunters last season.   

“We seek to keep the lid on here in thermal paradise,” said Skynn. Co-existance is the key and seasonal priorities have to be appreciated.”

Volunteers are asked to arrive by 8 am. Participants may bring brooms and buckets but not vacuum cleaners since the sand plays havoc with the workings of the otherwise functional tools and they are quickly plugged up.  Plastic bags will be provided. A light lunch will be served after the sanitization.

Nude beaches have been legal in Colorado since 1900. for a map of the nearest natural cove or bare bay stop at the local chamber of comments.

“With a little elbow grease, polish  and some disinfectant we will be ready for increased summer traffic,” added Skynn. If we all work together we’ll continue have the best nude beaches in the nation.”

-Dusty Pearl  

SPAM METEOR HEADED YOUR WAY SATURDAY

What is being described as an aggressive, orbiting wedge of gelatin-like meat the size of Philadelphia is headed for earth. After gobbling up Jupiter and spitting out Neptune the greasy mass has not been stopped, or even slowed, despite the combined efforts of military factions and the deployment of every weapon known to man.

Shedding its natural skin or heliosheath the blob-like Spam meteor has picked up speed and debris (space litter) while crossing over the heliosphere. It was hoped the reverse would occur but gravitational pull was galvanized and tropical storms in our solar system never materialized.

Observation points on dwarf planets have been evacuated and researchers have been ordered to tighten their Kuiper belts until the emergency passes. In the case of a direct hit survivors are directed to stay out of the sun and search for potable water.

-Warren of Wexley