All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Man Not Baker But Ross
(Continued from page 445)
many long tedious years later. To his friends Bonzo Stiltze had always thought he was Josephine Baker, even from the beginning he accepted, and some say reveled, in the fact that he was the sultry Black American dancer who had taken Paris by storm in the 30s. Films of the snaky moves and seductive trances common to Baker scattered his shabby flat. Song and dance routines were second nature to Stilze.
“It was fun to be Josephine,” said Stiltze, an undertaker by trade who lives with his mother in someone’s suburbs.
Then one day he woke up and realized that he was not Josephine Baker at all but rather Dianna Ross.
“After all these years it’s quite a relief to know the truth no matter how painful,” said Stilze in a television interview. “I’ve always liked Detroit and I can’t wait to meet the other Supremes.”
– Quartney Pettifogger
SAM I AM
Holiday Rant #611
That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am!
Do you like
our retail plan?
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am
I do not like
Your control scam.
Would you like it
here or there?
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
We do not want
to buy your Spam
We do not want you
Sam-I-am.
Would you like
the extra tax?
Do you think
your council lax?
We do not need your
coat tail tax
We can’t believe
elected hacks.
We do not like the
way you ram.
We do not like you
Sam-I-am.
Would you like
a strip mall…Wham!
Would you like
a traffic jam?
We do not want
a strip mall, Sam
We cannot use
a traffic jam.
We do not like
your retail plan.
We do not need you
Sam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
Sir or ma’m?
Buy more! Buy more!
on the lam.
We would not
could not
buy some more
We do not want
your Super Store.
We do not like you
worth a damn.
We don’t believe you
Sam-I-am.
Would you, could you?
Buy onething
Would you, could you?
It won’t sting.
Sam!
If you will let me be
I’ll buy something.
You will see.
Say!
I don’t like
your discount scam
I don’t like you
Nice try, Sam
We don’t want your Super Store
We don’t like you.
You’re a whore.
YULESCOPE
Attention Y’all Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menus please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)
In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are technically classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really want to believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)
Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz come February.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the five vowels first and move into the 21 consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Despite what you have been lead to believe: Pocket protectors do little else than protect pockets. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with well-groomed scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
That big red nose could won’t front for a little white lie. Experiment with half-truths plus ten percent. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Set on delicate and add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of the rats.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in South America. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations could win the lottery.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor, next to the bed, each morning. Exude a snotty apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 2016 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats having one’s chin kicked in. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 8 or 7. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum, pineapple and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from berry eating bruins, hibernating or not.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree, which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered yet lecherous horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full of something undefined. Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Ontologist, Pawn of the Elements
White Flower Soup
December 11, 2016
Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree plantings, hangings, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, bachelor parties, giant slalom events, EMT classes, book burnings, race riots, exorcisms, lingerie modeling, final exams, looting excursions, engine overhauls, fragile tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, wanderlust. Look for our ad in the Jello Pages under Bagpiping.
Skullduggery by the half hour. We have been at it for 50 years and probably knew your father even if you did not. Ophir Wetlands. No strawberry pirates.
Sell Goldfish in Palembang! Unbelievable as it may seem openings exist! A self-degrading career in the magnificent world of tropical fish can be yours by tomorrow! Just mail in the cards from your gov’ment imposed reeducation lecture series #611, marked 3, 17 and 29 (18 and 30 if you are incarcerated). Failure to comply will result in doing time in a hard labor camp pegging lobsters while naked in the dark.
Self-motivated outdoorsman with a sharply pointed head needed for drilling operation in Wyoming. No Mother Frackers. Uniform provided. Must submit to drug tests. No smokers. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette.
Anyone with information regarding an explosion at the Grizzly Bear Mine on November 2, 1895 is asked to wire the Ouray County’s Sheriff’s Office promptly. Reward adjusted for inflation.
300 effective gum massage techniques over the phone for just pennies a day. Dr. Oral Floss, Ant Farm Vista, Bicuspid Mall. Shopping for a new root canal. Dr Oral was a submariner!
For sale cheap: Cases of Beaujolais Nouveau that survived the Titanic and now the Democratic Convention. Emotional attachments. Bottled under the provisions of the 2016 Platform. High altitude squash and tomatoes too. Corkscrew Sally, Gladstoned.
Remember: Snow inspection is mandatory in Colorado!
Wanted: Hot Mama to view Star Trek reruns this winter. My social calendar is open Captain Schmirk, Starship Enterprise, Moline, IL.
