All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
End of the summer heater
Koral Delatierra wails on Saturday night at the KBUT Big Blue Festival held at the IBar Ranch in Gunnison. Lead singer for the Telluride band Niceness, she belts out reggae in audience with the full moon. Ten bands and an assortment of festival fanatics roamed the grounds for two days, camping, eating, drinking and dancing. A fine job all around.
O’Toole hits into record pace 93 double plays
Melvin “Breakfast Meat” O’Toole hit into a record 93rd double play this afternoon, breaking ancient records dating back to Doubleday. The Mañana Ayers Double Dip Digit League standout performed the feat with 40 games left on the schedule.
Toole hanging in Manana, 1920
“It is unfathomable for a player to continue at this pace,” said Mona Byrnes, proprietor of Heart Byrnes Food Truck, which is often parked in front of the popular keystoner’s locker. “Imagine what he could do in 200 games!”
During the cycle O’Toole was repeatedly clocked at under a minute from home to first. Despite his catty ways at the plate his speed didn’t help his stats much. Some say he would have turned in even better numbers between second and third but, in his lengthy and distinguished career, he has never been to second or third.
“A hard grounder is a hard grounder…6 to 4 to 3,” said Byrnes between sausages and pizza. “It’s a lot like these nachos here. Without the salsa they’d never make it to first base.”
O’Toole is also famous for the introduction of a 200 mile-per-hour knuckle-curve back in 1919, which was subsequently banned in 1920 due to damage to backstops and injuries to batters, catchers and umpires.
– Susie Compost
Rose Hall Bid Hacked by Russians
(Cooperstown) The continued exclusion of Pete Rose from the Baseball Hall of Fame is the result of intrusions by Russian robots that don’t know right field from the batting cage.
Supporters of Rose, arguably the best player ever to play the game, insist that there must be an evil, alien force behind the dirt that comes up on Rose every time there is another examination of his worthiness. The purposeful interference in baseball supersedes the alleged Russian collusion within the Trump Administration since baseball is hallowed and American politics are lewd and indecent.
“How else could the committee continue to blackball Rose?” asked a fan from across the river at Covington. “We’re not looking for him to get in the hall for his broadcasting talent or his personal charm but only as Charley Hustle.”
Purists insist that the Cincinnati Reds had nothing to do with the past snubs and that the similarity of names is coincidental.
“We were the Reds in 1869,” said one Rose aficionado. “Karl Marx didn’t make it to the big leagues until 1867 and Lenin failed to make an impact until 1905. Neither could hit the curve ball but did quite well in other arenas.”
– Tar Sands
MAN IN THE MOON ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE
The mythical man in the moon is mythical no more. He’s cooling his heels in a local jail cell. A myriad of complaints from local lunar gazers prompted a police raid on the suspected pervert’s official digs Tuesday morning. Officers confiscated gravitational home videos, crude anti-aircraft placements, mangled satellite parts, mounds of green cheese and documents calling for the invasion of earth by the year 2030.
One Delta County woman who called in a complaint Friday said the man in the moon was running around in the vicinity of the Sea of Fertility wearing only a lamp shade and a pair of Sorels. When police arrived at her residence to observe the alleged lewd behavior they were greeted by a contingent of telescopes that would put most astronomical observatories to shame.
“You can see better if you climb up on this stool,” said the woman who was reluctant to give her name or give up her high-powered telescope.
The man in the moon will remain incarcerated at an undisclosed spot until his arraignment Monday morning. Anyone with input deemed essential to the case is asked to either orbit or stay far away from the proceedings altogether.
-Marcella Pesterman
White House Expands On-Site Cooking Facilities
A revolving chief of staff told reporters here that cooking options and menu expansion will be a top priority at the White House this week. Outdoor grills, expanded storage of perishables, more support staff and cooking classes will make up the brunt of what is being packaged as The Nuevo-American Dining Experience.
“We only serve American here,” said Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, munching on a cheese enchilada, Tahchin, hummus all wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. We don’t eat anything that even smells like the Mideast or Mexico and we damn sure don’t recycle when we’re finished.”
Coal-powered hot plates donned with the Presidential seal have been distributed to top aides. Tasters have been stationed at each table to test for poison and backstreet hallucinogens. A meat-heavy breakfast, cooked up by the NRA, and a light lunch, catered by local Nazis groups, will feature only processed foods. Dinner is expected to culminate and collude…er…conclude with grilled steaks and chops of endangered species.
At night the Big Guy Toastmaster will offer a few encouraging remarks punctuating these with an Executive Order of the Day. Tonight Trump plans a slide show featuring assorted handshakes with evil despots and human rights abusers. Tomorrow night he will pardon Joseph Stalin.
Critics say these self-serving eaters couldn’t tell mom’s apple pie from Putin’s borscht and have sold national culinary secrets to the highest bidder under the cover of a free lunch for supporters.
Whether or not the development is related to the cold shoulder extended to a slew of Trump officials in Virginia and Maryland where restaurants refused them service or ostracized them when they arrived to eat. Other Americans have verbally attacked administration officials prompting recommendations that Trump people stay behind an assortment of walls slated to be built soon.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Return of Fort Sumter High on White House Priorities
(Charleston SC) Recent demands by the White House that Fort Sumter be returned to the United States illustrates a humiliatingly dimwitted perception of history, while simultaneously threatening to alienate an entrenched zombie support base deep in Dixie.
Not only was the fort in question returned to the US after Appomattox, but the site has served little logistical importance since the 1860s. It has just sat out there, gathering dust, its history in the fog for jingo flag flickers. Ignorance of the country”s basic history by a Commander in Chief was called appalling and pigheaded by adversaries, yet over 40% of Americans had not yet found the fort on a map at press time.
“Charleston Harbor, although quite beautiful in its own right, has not been on the firing line, even in a diplomatic sense, since hoop skirts were in fashion,” said a chamber of comments source here. “What has survived is now a National Monument and represents nothing strategic unless perhaps one happens to be a seal or land crab.”
Meanwhile in the Trump camp advisors expressed disdain that their boss had shown his mindless grasp of the nation’s history once again. Several were particularly put off by the president’s claim that had he been on the scene in 1861 he would have won the day.
“Maybe he could try his saber rattling in Puerto Rico, mused one journalist who has disappeared after filing a story that lambasts the president and the GOP. “At least Fort Sumer has electricity and running water.”
A large segment of Trump supporters are loyal sons and daughters of the Confederacy and make up a large portion of that base in November. A majority of these throwback historians don’t know the difference between Chancellorsville and Chattanooga. One satirical account suggests that Trump demand that Cuba give back Miami or that Russians give back Coney Island.
It ain’t in the Bible so it does not exist, chimed one intellect from the gene puddle. “Far as I’m concerned those Yankees can have the fort lock, stock and barrel.”
– Small Mouth Bess
