All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Hermits to host craft fair

(Montrose) Local hermits will present the first ever post-holiday arts and crafts show at Membership Hall in January. The two-day event will be held the second Monday and Tuesday of the month since most people are at work on those days. In addition, the decision to hold the festivities at non-traditional times is expected to curtail turnout.

The fair will feature an assortment of arts and crafts made by local hermits. The bulk of the wares will be displayed in darkened rooms, dusty booths and crowded storage units aimed at drawing the least attention. Often, if a an interested shopper reaches one of the disguised kiosks or the dressed down bazaars no one will be on hand to make the sale or take their money.

“We think the idea is solid unless you like a lot of traffic,” said one hermit. “A person can be an artist without embracing his fellow man.”

The hermits made it clear that if nobody showed up they would hold an even larger, more expanded exhibition in 2020.

– Ripple van Winkle

Ted Cruz attempts to distance himself from Ted Cruz

On the heels of a near defeat in the Texas Senate race Ted Cruz has announced he is distancing himself from Ted Cruz. The almost upset by El Paso Congressmen Beto O’Rourke appears to have left the incumbent reeling, although close aides deny there is any change in the Cruz agenda.

“This is the first we’ve heard about Ted distancing himself from himself,” stressed one longtime campaign executive. “Senator Cruz is the same old Ted and after a close election anyone has a right to some down time.”

Other supporters called the win a mandate saying that the voters of Texas had spoken. Democrats and Independents have taken offense to the use of mandate and say they’ll be back in 2020 in full regalia after the fine showing by O’Rourke in what has been an ultra-red state since civil rights legislation became law in the Sixties.

Cruz, who pretended to be friends with Donald Trump during the election, had no comment on what experts say is questionable maneuvering and blatant attempts to disassociate from anyone or anything detrimental to the advancement of his political future. Many say Cruz has no ideology whatsoever making it more difficult to project his self-serving moves.

“Those commies and liberals just want to hurt a good man,” said a former Trump ally from jail. “The evangelical vote says it all. It’s amazing how those preachers play the pulpit in a tax-free environment. Their sheep bent over and cast a vote for the GOP once again.”

The practice of distancing oneself from oneself is a whole new frontier according to social scientists that further concluded that Cruz does not have the wherewithal to operate at half-mast.

“The man has the personal warmth and integrity of a wharf rat,” said one supporter. “Ted’s smart all right but in a sick sort of way but split personalities that have plagued him in the past may come to his rescue this time around.

Meanwhile the man who former House Speaker, John Boehner loved (“I have never worked with a more miserable SOB in my life.”) is still swilling at the trough, leading the privileged life, watching the polls.

“Despite his personal appeal, Cruz will run for president again,” continued the jailed Trump booster. “Voters have short memories, even when it comes to carpetbaggers and fake Christians.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Too Many Dogs in Butte

with Kitty Galore

Here in Crested Butte the overpopulated canine culture is certainly one to be reckoned with, and many of us think it is overdone. Everyone seems to have at least one dog. The reason is not clear, since dogs are one of the more annoying entities on the planet. Sure our family owns a dog. He’s a black lab mix named Spot. He’s worthless.

He’s always trying to get in or out, sometimes simultaneously. He’s clumsy and stupid. Imagine a cat chasing a tennis ball for hours or a pet snake bringing in the evening news. Asinine. I tend to avoid Spot unless he gets pushy. Then a well-landed slap across the snout does the trick. I can easily put him in his place without other family members recording the exercise, the true employment of justice.

Ask yourself: Would Crested Butte be a better place without all these mutts around? Sure, we have a leash law, at least on Elk Avenue, which results in yappy, hyper dogs tied up to everything from park benches to baby carriages. Cats don’t need leash laws. They police themselves and are not dumb enough to get caught by the pet patrol. They do their sneaking around at night not right there in broad daylight. In addition, cats bury their business. We don’t leave it lying around on the pavement for tourists to step over, or in, as the case may be.

And speaking of tourists: Dogs, especially larger dogs in the back of pickups, often frighten the daylights out of visitors. This can result in lost revenue for the town. It’s a fact: People who are even slightly uncomfortable spend less cash. Comfort zones are not reassured by aggressive canines growling from their owners jacked up chariots. Oh sure, puppies are popular with tourists, but puppies grow up to be dogs.

Our dog Spot wolfs his food, runs off for hours, sheds, gets up on the furniture, chews shoes, has hellish gas attacks, chases stock, barks incessantly and jumps up on people. He is impossible to train. He has no pride. He drools. Sometimes he sits in the back of our family pickup for hours upon end, waiting patiently to go who knows where. Other days he drags home part of a carcass or maybe a discarded mattress to tear up under the tree.

Last week I happened into the kitchen while another family member was attempting to feed the idiot. He was jumping all around as if he were about to partake in a feast of prime rib and lobster tails. Doesn’t the moron realize that he was getting only two cups of kibble with a splash? Doesn’t he get it? This is the same meal he has been eating for almost four years. What’s all the excitement about? After he has inhaled his food the kitchen floor needs to be sterilized, hermetically sanitized. And that’s after he stands in his dish to corner the last morsels.

When dinner is served for the rest of us we react in a civilized manner and eat slowly, chewing our food and making light conversation. Why rush through the meal? You can always go back to it, unless of course someone has left my tuna casserole or chicken hearts at dog mouth level. In this case the food is gone before the dog has even tasted it. What did you just eat, Spot? What? Eat? Sure.

I don’t eat his food, unless I am near starvation. Why can’t he respect my habits as well? And when was the last time he cleaned himself? Months. He comes into the house full of mud and snow. He’s all wet then shakes and leaves paw prints on the carpet. He smells like old newspapers that have been soaked in rotten eggs. I clean myself daily, sometimes twice daily, especially after dining. One of the larger family members is forced to give Spot a bath which is like trying to shave a water buffalo with a pick ax or castrate a rooster in the dark. What a scene. Spot really hates it, so I like to watch. The garden hose is my favorite instrument of torture. After he’s hit with it a few times he runs and hides under the car. Fool.

In closing I must mention my irritation with tourists. If I’m sitting on a wall, or up a tree and one of them sees me I yawn and close my eyes. If he/she wants to talk to me I listen but my response is subtle at best. Why do these two-legged creatures want to talk about? We don’t even know each other. If Spot were on the receiving line of the conversation he’d be a mess. He might even pee on himself in anticipation. Anticipation of what? Some mindless vocalization obsessing about the state of things in dog-land. I’ve watched it all. You might be surprised to find out how many people say hello to every dog they pass while ignoring their own species. Odd.

Private Sector Wants Piece of DUI Pie

(Malfunction) Fresh from the lucrative bonanza of prison construction earnings, private enterprise now seeks to jump on the DUI gravy train. With burgeoning profits from drunk driving arrests being recorded at national and local levels, businessmen are primed to make yet another killing. The low-overhead operations have filled gov’ment coffers due to fines and court cost leaving hopped up citizens to pay the tab.

“If a driver sucks down two beers and gets behind the wheel he could be forced into bankruptcy,” said Leopold Bloom, head of a contingent of entrepreneurs who seek to be let in on this evil profiteering. “If the cops want to get all the drunks off the road they should share the enforcement with privateers motivated solely by money. Let’s face it,” Bloom continued. “There’s little effort based on serve and protect. It’s all about cash.”

Fears among capitalists that the public will rise up and demand an end to fiscal punishment, insisting rather on loss of license for life followed by stiff prison terms, were heard as far away as the United States Senate Friday. The recent changes at the legislative level, namely the House and Senate submission to direct corporate sponsorship, threaten a relaxation of current legal alcohol levels nationwide.

     “We may be forced to succumb to the wishes of sin industries like beer and wine,” said Colorado Senator Betty Racehorse Proctor and Gamble .

     “The paternal corporations don’t really own us,” said Jesse Phillip Morris Newport (LSMFT-NC). “Oh, this Marlboro logo on my lapel? It’s not really advertising. It’s underwriting.” Helms went on to say that smoking won’t hurt anyone, especially while on the highway.

     “And I don’t mean no pot neither,” he spat. 

– Ernesto Poltroon

If Jesus of Nazareth was appointed to the US Supreme Court how would he vote on issues such as child welfare, air pollution, white supremacy, climate change, immigration, women’s rights, private prisons, wars, the imbalance of wealth, the Second Coming and the morality of the current White House? Please send answers to Fundamentalists for the Apocalypse in East Jerusalem.

COLORADO WOMAN WEDS COMPUTER

(Gateway) Finny Scanlan didn’t get a lot of dates. From her 16th birthday until just last month, at the ripe old age of 24, she’d been out once, and that was just to Nucla.

Then her world turned upside down with the purchase of a new Power Macintosh (G series with zip drive and CD ram capabilities built right in). Almost immediately her attitude went from one characterized by constant crashes and computer spread to one of desk top harmony. She had met Mr. Right and he was at her fingertips.

“At first I thought What would my friends think? but then I figured where were my friends on all those cold lonely nights that I spent alone crying myself to sleep in my double-wide up Unaweep Canyon?”

Taught at an early age to take things one day at a time Finny proceeded tenuously spending only so much time with her new romantic interest. When she went on-line and flirted with E-Mail she realized she was head over heels in love.

“He began to generate his very own dialogue,” she said. “Sometimes it was in response to a question or prompt, other times it was solely on his own. Then there were the times that he sent love messages out of the blue.”

Scanlan was at first frightened when Roy, named after a cousin from over Paradox way who died during a cloning experiment there in 1996, began to contact her on other systems. In addition to passionate pleas over her screen he sent love notes over the microwave oven and the TV.

“He even talked to me through the garage door opener and once, on a particularly warm May evening through the blender.”

Failing in her attempts to end the relationship several times, Finny soon realized it was meant to be. She thought of his 300MHz, his nine gig capacities, his hard drive with 85 MB virtual memory. He was accessible 24 hours a day, didn’t stop at the bar on the way home and seemed quite compatible with her internal drives.

“Then he popped the question. It was early one morning,” she explained. I turned him on only to find the mouse inactive and the screen frozen with the words Will ya? at the bottom.”

She typed in Yes and the rest is academic. The two were married the next weekend in Las Vegas where these kinds of unions are legal provided one has the administration fees.

The couple plans to have a laptop in the fall.

– Small Mouth Bess

WESTERN CHEMIST ISOLATES FAST FOOD GENE

(Gunnison) Nutritionists within the academic community here were shocked at a disclosure relating to the alleged fast food gene and the frightening consequences. An eleventh hour discovery by Dr. Melvin Toolovich, Acting Director of the Body Chemistry Department at Western Colorado University, links genetics to insatiable cravings for fast food at distinctive age levels. His findings, as one colleague put it, are “earth shattering”.

In short, Toolovich’s theory strongly suggests that if a man 20 years old consumes an average of four fast food items per week his potential off-spring will be born addicted to this kind of fare. In contrast, if the same man embraces a balanced diet including fruit and vegetables his kids will most likely follow suit. Toole says it’s just like narcotics, guns and hair color.

Toolovitch, working with an unnamed colleague, in the Chemistry Wing at Western Colorado University

“We think this linear body response has mega-burgeoned and can now be traced to the sacred depths of accepted nutritional standards. Unchartered, often unreliable  chromosomes that have fallen victim to other more subtle synthetic temptations such as Twinkies, cardboard tacos, soggy fish, plastic pizza and frozen egg rolls,” the doctor warned. “We’re just chumming at present.”

Currently tests are being conducted to see if simulated patterns are in play when a child breathes his first breath. Fast food bosses and their ad agency concubines are said to be waiting for the final results before commenting.

“We’re concerned that these burger and chicken barons will be jumping into the baby food market if the numbers line up right,” gasped Toolovich. “Can you imagine a greasy meat cheeseburger in a jar? “What can you expect when even our illustrious president lives on the stuff?”

As soon as the preliminary DNA tests are concluded, Toolovich will embrace further speculation in an attempt to determine if American foreign policy is at risk due to the state of decision making apparatus on display in Washington DC. Assisting Toole in this endeavor will be members of the We’re History Department at WCU.

“We’ll be needing about 15 or 20 student volunteers who already exist on junk food to complete our experiments. We may even begin to determine future potential within these ranks,” he explained. “We already know that performance and fast food intake are related so we don’t expect our brighter students to rush to our laboratory.”

– Rocky Flats

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!” – Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off his punkin’ head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, 1863.