TROUT GEARING UP FOR OPENING DAY

(Gunnison) The cold-blooded residents of Blue Mesa Reservoir are bracing for high water and an increase in anglers as opening day nears. Necessary preparations include familiarity with bait, lures and line. Trolling procedures and hook removal must be addressed. Eluding the fisherman while eating well, diversionary tactics and a variety of aquatic calisthenics must be covered to sustain schools throughout the heavy seasons.

Piscatorial leaders confirm that spring training has been tougher than usual since water levels have fluctuated from low to low in a late runoff.

Meanwhile according to a blurred press release received this afternoon, President Obama , in town pitching an economic stimulus bill will supposedly throw out the first line on Thursday. Either that or Hillary will simply pitch out the first fish on Friday in an attempt to give voters another line of fin jargon to get them.

 NBA TO EMPLOY KAZOOS

(Phoenix) Referees employed by the National Basketball Association will substitute kazoos for whistles during the play-offs in 2014. The move comes in response to the ungodly length of the season and due to complaints by players that the shrill whistles hurt their ears. Many refs report that their whistles “peter out by about May anyway and are worthless by June”. In the past the zebra-clad judges have taken to simulating the sounds by whatever method is necessary.

“It’s really tough on the referees that never learned to whistle as a boy,” said one worn out official. “The kazoos break the monotony of the bouncing ball, the grunts and the squeaky sneakers on the wood floor.”

Several players, who were young men when the most recent season began in October seem to like the idea while management is fully supporting the changes due to fiscal considerations in that now they no longer have to hire a band for the evening.

 HORSESHOE PEDDLES MOVIE RIGHTS TO TAX RETURN

(Montrose) The San Juan Horseshoe has agreed to sell all movie rights to its 2012 Federal Tax Return according to unreliable sources in the executive darkroom. No fiscal figures were released as of this morning but insiders say the amount was substantial.

“We were attracted to the return strictly because of an incredibly creative plot which, although preposterous at times, held the interest of our staff,” said Omar Gantry, of Saccharine Brothers Pictures. “The potential for a big hit was evident from page one even though the characters don’t seem real like the people here in Hollywood.”

A spokesman for the Internal Revenue Service explained the developments in that the agency would probably grab at least half the projected profits from the venture and was motivated as well as excited by the kinky possibility of sucking blood from a turnip.