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Western to host winter semester in Mexico

(Gunnison) In what comes as quite a relief to some, Western State University today announced that it would conduct all business, scholastic and otherwise from Guadalajara, Mexico this winter. This means that all undergraduate students, signed up for the regular academic year will be taking classes in a semi-tropical environment rather than in the normal confines of sub-zero weather. 

     The plan, an out-the-door bit of marketing concept credited to a local middle school marketing class. Enrollment up 40% since the announcement of the academic relocation. In addition to their studies students will visit beaches, mountains, ruins and Mexico’s legitimate tequila bottling plants nearby the city of 7 million. Spanish majors will be given preference in housing while others will undergo a crash course in the language this fall. Most will live in cobertizos, designed to look like student/livestock  housing sheds back in Gunnison, so as to give the kids a sense of familiarity with their new surroundings. More than 3000 trailers could be hauled in but they won’t.

     “The program is a lot like Crested Butte’s Free Ski promotion except that it has nothing to do with skiing and isn’t free,” said one excited sophomore who hopes to study Mariachi music, an art form originating in Guadalajara, and go on to marry Alejandro Gardel, a famous Mexican soap opera star.

     Critics of the program point to economic hardships caused by the restructuring both here and within the families of WSC students. In addition they insist that ski season will be missed.

     “We have already canceled winter break with the second (winter) semester beginning the Monday following Thanksgiving,” said an administrator of some regard.”They’ll all be back by March if the buses hold up.”

– Signelle de Bushe

Farmers Market Busted in Human Trafficking Sting

(Montrose) A local farmer’s market has been put on probation after evidence of human trafficking was discovered over the weekend. According to a preliminary police report, the long respected agricultural peddlers have been selling actual farmers (as the name certainly suggests) right along with the parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

     Although no one has come forward to verify these accusations it appears clear that some monkey business has been going on. Undercover agents attempting to buy tomatoes this morning were allegedly asked “You wanna squeeze something a bit more substantial?” and “Spend another $50 and we’ll throw in Old MacDonald too.”

     One scandalized resident said she was stunned by the disclosures.

     “See,” she glared, “it starts with the organic communist crap and gets worse and worse. It’s all that Woody Guthrie’s fault for writing songs to the sharecroppers. Gave ’em notions. As if peaches, apples and celery weren’t enough…”

     Insiders say the market brought $2000 for the younger farmers and as little as $35 for the elderly, despite their uncanny experience and willingness to work in the sun for 16-hour days.

     “That’s a pretty good price,” said one bean counter, “if one can simply get over the moral implications of kidnapping, forced labor and false imprisonment we’d be home free. Many of us still believe that it is never right to hold people against their will even if the melons are ripe.”

     Aristocrats behind the attempts to intertwine dependency into the fabric of agriculture say the arrangement is temporary at any level and definitely at the experimental stage. 

     Another man told us that the whole thing is just another attempt to horse-collar private enterprise.

     “What’s all this atwitter about?” he scowled. “It’s been going on over in Utah for decades.”                     – Jiminy Crow

Bronco Line to answer questions in Canadian

(Denver) In response to a league ruling ordering them to speak to reporters, no matter how beef-witted the questions, the newly rebuilt Denver Bronco offensive line will converse publicly in Canadian throughout the 2023-2024 season. In a departure from past years, when Bronco lineman chose to glare at sportswriters in lieu of even the slightest response the entente is seen as an attempt to placate the NFL without selling out.

     Athletes all over the league have been threatened with fines if they do not comply with league assertions and cooperate fully with the talking heads, who represent the first wave of media dollars targeting franchise owners.

     Several Colorado Avalanche players have been pressed into service tutoring the linemen as to the proper vernacular of the Canadian tongue.

     “We beat the hell out of each other out on the ice,” said one Avalanche wingman who demanded animosity, “but if one of us so much as brushes a ref it’s two minutes in the penalty box. I think if the sportswriters were a little more knowledgeable and a little less robotic and opinionated this whole matter never would have come up. Why should professional athletes been coerced into talking to with these parrots? Isn’t there enough noise on the planet already?”

– Rocky Flats

Novel written without verbs

(Ouray) A newly released thriller by Melvin B. Toole may be, as critics say, slow and inconceivable, but it is certainly original, at least in format. “Cherub Bait”, (Testosterone Brothers Publishing) is the first novel to be completed without one, single verb in the text.

     The task, which took the first-time writer over 30 years to complete, grew out of an obsession with tranquillity and motionless embraced while orbiting in outer space in 1973. Back then, when there were more manned spacecraft than cell phones, a person could go weeks engaged in subtle bliss and days without moving at all.

     Cherub Bait, sometimes forcefully always  in a mellifluous air, defends “the ambivalent lard asses of our time” repeatedly calling them the “knights of indolence” while laughing at modern day man caught up in his rush to get ahead.

     “There is not much action,” said one critic, but the posture is eloquent in its own clearly disturbed way. To call it sluggish would be an insult to the entire slimy genus of terrestrial gastropod mollusks.

– Alfalfana Romero