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(Montrose) An intricate system of wind nets will once again be employed east of town in an attempt to cut losses and aggravation caused by the elements here. The nets, designed by local engineers saw only limited success last spring but are expected to exercise a very positive influence this year.

Employing the basic science of fly tying, the tiny squares are capable of catching everything from Herefords to lottery tickets.

“We can expect to recover almost anything blown off course by the high winds,” said one engineer. “While we are highly concerned with currency, grocery lists and newspapers our biggest complaints so far have to do with the loss of cowboy hats.”

In response to the community the nets will be coated with a non-toxic sticky substance that will prevent cunning hats from escaping once caught. 

“There’s nothing quite so sad as to watch a full grown adult chase a new straw hat all the way to Gunnison in high winds,” said a source from city hall. “Our method is really quite simple, modeled after the spider’s web. Only this time the hat is the fly or visa versa.”

The net will be erected across highway 50 and stretch about 1/2 mile to each side. A backup multi-colored nylon rope maze, knotted and fine tuned by local navy veterans holding up wet fingers to determine wind direction and velocity, is expected to be in place by Friday. 

During normal business hours small access portals are to be employed so as to allow traffic regular access from 7 am to 7 pm. After that time only police, clerics and pizza delivery personnel will be allowed to penetrate the peremptory perimeter. During these dark hours teams of praetorian eunuchs will be patrolling the fringes of our strategic locales looking for rogue wind tunnels, wild asparagus and overflowed irrigation ditches.

Air travel to and from Montrose is not expected to be obstructed or improved during turbulent days. 

“It’s just another springtime in Montrose,” said 125-year-old driving instructor, Ernesto “Ernie” Rigarde. “Yep, if you don’t like the weather around these parts just wait a few months and it will change.”

Local media workhorses at TV station ZYX will present a special locally produced update this Saturday morning entitled “The Wind”. The program will feature a series of still life shots of the wind from 1900 to present. Filmed in conjunction with the Weather-Fishing-Canning Channel “The Wind” will be broadcast at an undisclosed location from a press bunker somewhere in the Bland Valley.

Critics say the presentation is quite appropriate what with this being an election year and all.

– Fred Zeppelin