All Entries Tagged With: "What you need to know"

Rock Soup

I hate work. I love play. Give me money. Bert, Blind Box 75, Mañana West.

Hunters discovering marijuana plants in the Edith Bunker National Forest are asked to keep it to themselves. Look for the Union Label and thanks a heap! Western Colorado Hemp Producers Union #299.

1000 Hunting camp recipes from Guinness Stout, recycled ground venison and powdered ketchup substitute. Send $15 to San Juan Horseshoe, Box 913, Montrose, CO 81402. Do it before January 1, 2000 and we’ll throw in a year’s subscription to Bon Apartheid Magazine.

Win Catsup for life! Dial8 and hold it.

Get on the right side of the bun with flame-changing cheeseburger futures. Frankfurter investments, Wimpton Plaza. 

Can’t get enough beef? Try Mel’s Steak Flavored Chewing Gum. An impressive dining extension for the carnivore and the perfect gift for the vegetarian who misses the taste of a juicy rib-eye. Low in cholesterol…high in fiber! Now available in bulk in your grocer’s freezer. Buy enough for the whole year while the price is right.

Career Opportunity! Man needed to deliver small packages in Sapinero. Full time position. Nothing larger than your head. Tanya’s Trucking, behind the billboard. No Irish.

Well-groomed Picador needed for afternoon work. No Moors. San Miguel Tavern, Cordoba, Andalusia.  

Kama Sutra Bottle/Can Opener. Over 1000 positions guaranteed. $39.95 postpaid. Blind boxer 4.

Known Terrorist Trading Cards. All of your favorite Jihad pals plus an assortment of Oil Company Executives, Emirs, Presidents and Corporate Collaborators. View our most recent assortment where you buy Mel’s Steak-Flavored Chewing Gum.

Tablecloth for sale. Used only once during entire Spanish Civil War. $300 obo. Fran Franco, Canary Islands.

Kids! Turn in your parents and win a free trip to Disney World. You’ll fly via DARE AIRLINES to sunny Florida and spend three glorious days riding all the rides, playing war video games, eating burgers and fries, drinking all the pop you want and attending light indoctrination seminars put on by police cadets your very own age. Won’t that be awesome! Just call your local police department and report your parents for any infraction from the ever-growing list of new laws made for your safety and our protection. Sorry: We no longer honor the popular Turn In Your Parrots Program in Sectors 45 and 46.

Non-alcoholic martinis! Too true to be good? Call 5 and hold it.

Donate your old teeth and gain lucrative tax enhancement. Impacted molars, lost fillings, dentures recycled free. Rutte’s Canal, Almont Triangle.

Don’t wait! Reserve a Memorial Barstool today! Donate that special spot to a special friend. Stools are going fast. Silver plaque with name of deceased, announcements, short ceremony and one round included in purchase price. Pyres and personalized ash trays slightly extra. Free estimates too. Testosterone Brothers Funeral Accessories and Diversions, Sawpit. For eternal plotting please call our real estate division in Kabul.

Catch a ride on a tumbleweed! Freshly netted specimens to fit every diet or masterplan. Will also buy water rights all over the West so as to float loans on subdivisions. Oil and Tobacco Ltd., Wink, Texas.

Have those greedy men in vests and cigars shipped your job to a Third World country? Don’t despair…We will regroove you to fill an exciting position in the fast food industry. Some management positions exist for the spunky. Call Lame Duck Training Films, Watergate Apartments, Warshington, USSA.

Vagabond trees wanted for Blue Mesa landscaping experiment. Must be mobile and free to work weekends. Put some roots down. Good pay, regular watering and benefits package. Send resume to Suzie Compost, 2986 Fertilizer Square, Vulcan, CO.

Yard Sale: Bamboo cereal bowls, living lunch meat, propane mole protectors, uneaten airline food, complete collection of Afghani rap music, gallons of unused IRS repellent, bait. No sales before 2 am. Manana Roundabout.

Desperately searching for the heart of the Republican Party in Western Colorado. Will settle for any indication of same. Impossible? Dial 5. Note: We found the heart of the Democratic Party and it is yet to beat. You too can help put livestock in the White House in 2001. Paid for by Rastafarians for Mondale, 23456 Anarchist Bench, Manana Rendering Complex.

NOTICE TO ADVERTISERS: As of June the San Juan Horseshoe will no longer recognize excuses such as “The cat missed the box” and “My grandmother died and was buried with the checkbook” as accepted exemptions for not purchasing display advertising. Furthermore we in no way condone, forgive, pardon or exonerate individuals who fail to embrace the merits of scopic expenditures in this vein. Please be prepared for our representatives who will be visiting your domain in the immediate future. Our marketing experts are available 24 hours per day: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net. Consultations include a full Irish breakfast.

Franz Klammer Lodge seeks double/twin. We need a person or persons who seriously resemble Franz for promotionals, personal appearances, stunts. If you think you qualify send photo and brief resume to Franz Klammer Lodge, Telluride. No drug store skiers need apply. 

Land on the Moon! 40 and 80 acre tracts. You saw what happened to Western Colorado. Invest today. Catastrophe Realty, Wimpton.

Kenya Tango? Summer classes now forming. 2988 Indian Massacre Highway next to Khadafy’s Karaoke. Wimpton. No Irish.  

Are National Forests Communist? Send me $5 and I’ll give you all of the predictable capitalist jargon. Charley Horse, Cimarron.

For sale: Lemon street sweeper. Effective on citrus dust and palm droppings. Needs hydraulic pump and an oil change. Should last 100 years. $25,000. City of Ouray.

Persons caught throwing debris in an around the Edith Bunker National Forest and the Petrified Tourist Greenbelt will be excluded from all Fourth of July celebrations. – The Three Bruins

May is National Make Your Bed Month. Get to it.

DeLila McQueen: Hobnobbing is far better than you think. Remember last year when you saved your heart from the compost heap, your soul from dandelion fluff only to be imprisoned in a cask of French Champagne? Willow Swamps Willy.

Jesus is your answer! Jesus Romero Landscaping, Lawn Care and Pool Maintenance. In the Jello Pages.

Unemployed Census Workers. We have challenging positions counting lichen at Baffin Bay, the Beaufort Sea and in summer resorts along the Dew Line. Must be compatible with polar bear and tundra. Send resume to Polly Pureheart, Bureau of Census and Sensibilities, Ottawa. 

The Cal Polygamy Mobile Culture Wagon is presenting its continuing corpse on Prehysteric America to all recovering teachers in June at Oxford-On-Tomichi campus. College accreditation to the first 50 applicants. Send transcripts to Free Range Education, W Mountain.

To the man who shoves pigeons down the front of his trousers in downtown Cork: You can keep my cigarette lighter. Mr. Murphy.

Bible quotes for any occasion, computer virus cures on the spot, mustache trimming, catering. Rev Phillip Pharisee, Montrose.

Flea Market seeks host/carry-out for summer. Parasite and drug free. Home of the Blues. No Irish.

Self-Guided tours of the San Juans, Elks, West Elks. $250. Belle Toole Ventures, Box 1209, Ouray. $300 with 2-martini sack lunch and hot springs tour. Blonded.