All Entries Tagged With: "Western Colorado terms"

WESTERN COLORADO FROM A – Z

A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) not a city on I-40 on the way to Plano. 

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California will never beat Nebraska. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Exotic – Disneyland to someone who’s never been out of Mesa County. Mesa Mall to someone who has never been out of Craig.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What every person in Western Colorado stockpiles thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. 

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. 

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Amax.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal has been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mule deer go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle.

Tree – the major component of waferboard, one of man’s necessities. 

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof. 

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the fosset while Front Range interests think its something with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets in Aurora and Colorado Springs. b.) the wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it becomes a putrid bit of semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but cannot make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter. An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado. 

Zaminsky – (Charlotte) a girl with whom Walt Swetkoff went to grammar school in New Jersey. It is a name he cannot forget. She was kinda cute back then but, according to Swetkoff, it’s tough to say what she looks like now.

– Melvin O’Toole