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Armies Must Fight Naked Says UN

(New York) In an attempt to solidify its waning authority, the United Nations today passed a resolution banning armies in uniform from engaging in aggressive actions against others. While admitting that the proclamation is only a start, delegates agreed that it is, at least in theory, a step toward world peace.

The concept, in short, states that armies who do not wear uniforms will not be able to readily identify the enemy and therefore will vacate the battlefield. Sadly, it is estimated that many warring parties in Africa and Asia already have forsaken uniforms or in most cases never had them to begin with due to rampant poverty.

Critics of the UN disclosure say the body is not going far enough in condemning war and that they have not factored weather and ancient tribal tradition into the formula. Many abstaining delegates say they hope the resolution will be taken seriously in that it would provide quite a spectacle in light of longtime hostilities in places like Zimbabwe and Colombia.  

“This may work well on the border of Ukraine and Russia but not in more tropical climates,” said one Swedish source. “Isn’t it clear why we are always neutral?”

– Tommy Middlefinger