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Walrus Stiff Found in W.H. Taft Grave

Walrus Stiff Found in W.H. Taft Grave

(Cincinnati) When cemetery engineers opened the grave of President William Howard Taft here, they found not the body of a 300-pound former leader, but the body of a deceased walrus instead.

The deceased former President

As luck would have it, Mr. Taft was nowhere to be seen, although his signature pocket watch was retrieved along with a 1939 Reds’ program autographed by Ernie Lombardi, Johnny Vander Meer and Bucky Walters.

The masterplan called for the obese Republican to be exhumed, his remains moved to afterlife digs at Arlington.

“These skeletal transfers often hold surprises as one might expect after almost a century in the soil,” quacked a nervous funeral director on site to oversee the operation.

During his life the portly populist got stuck in his bathtub requiring the assistance of at least six men to pry him from the porcelain clawfoot soaker. 

“It was like dejavu backwards,” said one extractor, engaged in the much-heralded exhumation. “We needed a gantry crane to dislodge the decomposed animal, that had quite surprisingly remained intact.” 

The walrus

The flippered marine mammal fit tightly in the casket just as Taft had upon his passing in 1930. The walrus is not indigenous to the Ohio River region or to any of its numerous tributaries.

“It probably swam over here from Kentucky,” tethered one grave digger, a little short on his geography.

Several rogue congressional sources suggested that the gov’ment dig up all previous presidents to see if other tusked creatures had been was buried with them. Mercifully, debate abated after it was agreed that the expense would be prohibitive.

“It would have been simpler for us to keep our traps shut and just move the Walrus to Arlington. Nobody would have noticed.” said one Buckeye.

– Gabby Haze