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Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy

(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.

But it’s all over the internet.

The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.

In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”

According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.

“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”

Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.

The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.

The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.

– Kashmir Horseshoe