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Bishopric Broke After Bevy of Abuse Suits

The Diocese of Albany (NY) has filed for bankruptcy over unending lawsuits regarding Catholic priests molesting young boys. The Vatican, executive director of the world cult, is one of the world’s wealthiest entities. It was not known if this same ecclesiastical power broker would come to the aid of its minions. 

Apostolic opinion indicates fears that if the legal battles continue, the Vatican would have to follow suit and seek protection under Chapter 11 or leave town and “start over where real estate was cheaper”. 

There was no serious talk about the diocese registering as a sex offender. Despite desperate cover-ups and outright denials by the stiff-collared pontificators, it is clear that all of th priests did not engage in such depraved activities. 

Big Church bosses have alluded to selling off ancient treasures, relics and even holy water  or “it’s back to oatmeal for the Cardinals,” according to one defrocked penitent. Over the years The Vatican has amassed mounds of priceless art due to questionable acquisition much like the Nazis did before and during World War II. 

“The loot could be auctioned off to wealthy non-Catholics who, of course, will be going to hell due to their rejection of the true faith,” said an unconfirmed source in Rome. “Then with patience and persistence Catholics on their way to heaven could recover the riches piecemeal at the gates of hell. Then after a few centuries we’d get out stuff back from the infidels.”

Few clerics agreed with this appraisal, maintaining the ancient line of ascension to the throne and Papal infallibility. Others say that it’s high time to ‘fess up and admit that they had made the whole thing up as a means to control their flocks and fleece them who nobody was looking.

“It was a good run and damned lucrative. The Jews got the balls rolling and we took it from there,” said the source.

-Kashmir Horseshoe