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Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees

The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or Viet vet now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver leaders have called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Arenado left.” 

Both Denver and Bpulder are reeling with concerns that the strike will expand to include the entire Confront Range before spring.

Boulder mayor Antonne Sockette called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since the demise of Tom’s Tavern.”

Liquor stores and bars in the underbelly metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.

Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area. Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.” 

Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”

Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars demanded by the union With no settlement on the horizon its looking like a long, hot autumn in Denver.