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US to bomb own infrastructure

(Warshington) The United States Air Force announced today that it would be diversifying its bombing routines. In a drastic departure from policies in effect since the First World War the U.S. military will begin bombing its own bridges, airports and interstate highways.

     “We have decided to attack our own infrastructure instead of spending all that money on jet fuel to deliver a blow in another part of the world,” said General Worthington Bulbous, a Pentagon attachment. “The results are quite the same.”

     Military analysts conclude that spending money on war instead of peace is mad medicine. They say that the U.S. could save millions by pulling in its horns and dropping its payloads on California and Michigan instead of Syria and Pakistan.

     “We see arms salesmen from our own country making immoral profits on death and destruction yet nobody makes a stink,” said activist Hershelle Martini, of Make Breakfast Not War. “What these humanoids do in our name is deplorable. The country is falling by the wayside while these people fill their pockets. Our children are canon fodder. I’d like to listen to the eager hawks when they are homeless or worse.”

     It was not clear if targets would be limited only to structures already in need of repair or if it would be expanded to include functioning facilities.

     “Right now schools and hospitals are off limits,” said Bulbous, “but we all know about those silly clones. Some seem to have a mind of their own,” he said. This is simply a policy readjustment and is nothing to be concerned about at this time.”

     Bulbous went on to say that the results of intensified bombing have never been established, yet with diverted expenditures for bombs and airplanes our infrastructure is falling apart.

     “It’s a wash,” he explained. “We’d be just as far ahead dropping bombs here at home. It’s just a simple shift in logistics.”

     When asked if the operation could be completed without further budget increases the general said, “It’s as easy as dumping Syrian chemical weapons into the sea.” – Fred Zeppelin