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25 years ago in the San Juan Horseshoe

O’Bannon’s Lowers Urinals For Wee

Hydraulics for the Mischievous Dwarves

(Telluride) For the tenth year running urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. Although this ain’t the first rodeo for the unselfish plumbers and architects who have bravely taken on the gruesome task in years gone by this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.

“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said Ray Prince, a veteran of many St Patrick’s Days and partner at the pub. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness. Now, if Harry’s paper arrives on time that morning everyone will be happy.”

An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Telluride each year at about this time. 

“This tavern’s annual practice of lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.

“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet,” said a source.

For many years O’Bannon’s simply provided small stools for the leprechauns but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over. At the time it was common consensus that a trip to the bathroom was far more dangerous than skiing and therefore the bar relented.

The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Bannon’s Pub has once again raised the seat when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise. This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Telluride has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”

   – Uncle Pahgre