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Ouray Making Fortune on Tourist Soup

(Dexter Creek) Progressive marketing icons in this landlocked county seat have developed a recipe for Pahgre Tourist Soup, which is reportedly brewed daily in the town’s municipal swimming pool.

     Every spring town workers clandestinely prepare the pool (or potbelly as they call it) for the arrival of the “soup meat”, or tourists, starting in June. The thermal waters must be monitored hourly to insure a proper heat is maintained. The vegetables must be smuggled in and distributed in the now murky broth then the spices and herbs must be added in just the right measure so as not to distract from or dominate the final taste and aroma.

     Then the soup is trucked over Red Mountain Pass to be sold to brokers in Durango for distribution, mostly to unsuspecting Third Whirled Countries and Grand Junction.

     Our cookie-cutter little tourist economy is nothing more than a front for this more lucrative operation,” said Jimmy Scoggins who has gone so far as to serve the soup in his lavish Ridgway hardware emporium.

     “In rare instances a complete tourist ends up in the final concoction but we go to great pain to avoid this due to strict county ordinances on cannibalism, which he called reactionary.

     The soup itself, canned under the jurisdiction of Alf Bisque, comes in a wide variety of flavors including Okie, Texan and Kansas Chowder. Gourmet versions are available using Californians and Front Rangers.

     Authorities became suspicious last season after a Utah man reported several masked men dumping industrial loads of vegetables into the deep end after dark. He claimed that carrots, potatoes and onions were boiled live in the curdling waters in direct violation of another county ordinance. He shared his concerns with police and has not been heard from since.

     “The soup cartels are making too much money for some nosy flatlander to ruin everything,” said a former executive now mouthpiece for the Vegetarian Curmudgeons, a militant garden club. “Just wait until the little ice climbers show up this winter. We’ve got to keep up with supply and demand and there are a lot of people out there who want more of Ouray than an RV slip and a personalized license plate.”

     The entire episode appears earmarked as just another version of the same old story: “Cooking with a hundred is always more difficult than cooking with a few” Bon Apetite!


Trusting tourists from all over the world frolic in the Ouray Hot Springs Pool, unaware they are up to their necks “in the soup”. A widening investigation has linked almost every able-bodied citizen in the mountain burg with what police are now calling a conspiracy to produce and export tourist soup. No arrests have been made at depress time.