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Americans Spend Too Much Time on Throne Says Pence

(Seattle) Former Vice President Mike Pence today insisted that Americans spend too many hours in the bathroom. This latest statement was an apparent attempt to clarify accusations made Friday that his countrymen are not fully behind the GOP in the areas of foreign policy, the economy and personal hygiene.

“Imagine 250,000,000 people idling away the morning,” he lashed out, “when they could be out fighting the War on Terror and volunteering for the invasion of North Korea or maybe France! It’s disappointing.”

Pence, who has never experienced a bowl movement,  was in town to oversee the sale of some 40,000 Boeing F-17 porta-johns to Poland in return for future draft choices and an undisclosed amount of cash.

When confronted regarding a rat in the cornmeal, Pence denied that the move reeked of corporate welfare even though the United States loaned Poland the money to buy the porta-potties in the first place.

“Our NATO ally, Poland needs this technology to defend its sovereign borders from the Red Menace to the east,” he barked.

In a related development, the United States government announced the closing of yet another embassy, this time in Wyoming, due to anti-US demonstrations raging there.

“Once one of these rogue nations closes our embassy we simply put them on a list,” said Pence. “Once you get on the list it’s almost impossible to get off, especially if you’re a foreigner . Then,” he continued, “if you stay on the list we hook you up with one of our axis of evil clusters and you get bombed.”

Pence refused comment when asked how this policy would be applied to rogue nations who already possess nuclear weapons. 

     “I’ve got other fish to fry on the matter of national security,” he concluded.     

– Rufus Maxwell     

I take good care of myself generally, but maybe I shouldn’t have gotten a nipple ring installed in the parking lot of the Medellin bus station…But hey, the guy was wearing a Calvin Klein t-shirt.”   

                                     – Melvin Toole on the high road to Bolombolo, Colombia February, 2023