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The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

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The scene: A tree house in equatorial Africa

Tarzan: Why Tarzan no have last name?

Jane: Because you were raised by apes, dear, and none of them have last names.

Tarzan: Tarzan have tree house worth millions but no last name. Maybe Tarzan buy last name.

Jane: Now darling lets be thankful for what we have. Just three months ago we built this tree house out of cardboard and tin and now it’s worth a fortune. Who would ever have guessed that the Djiboutis would have put in a ski area. I recall that only last year Chief Kingfish was afraid of front-end loaders and thought cranes were the work of the white devils. Now they’ve even got hotels with snotty staffs and a one-way gondola to the Fountain Village.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like gondola. Prefer swinging through trees.

Jane: So, when do we close on the tree house? I can’t wait to buy some new clothes and take you to London.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like clothes. Not need shirt in jungle. Tarzan not have last name. Bank say have to have last name to open account, cash checks, build spec houses.

Jane: Isn’t it wonderful! All we did was hang out in our tree house for a few months and now we’re rich. I had no idea you were such an astute businessman, dear.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay attention but still no have last name. Even Cheetah have last name. Tarzan saw it on credit cards.

Jane: Cheetah has credit cards?

Tarzan: Monkey have cards and cell phone too. Why Tarzan not have credit card?

Jane: What does Cheetah buy?

Tarzan: Lot of bananas.

Jane: And who, dare say, does she call on the cell phone?

Tarzan: Other monkeys with cell phones and credit cards. Cheetah broker. Monkey plans to knock down jungle and build custom homes for rich people from the city. Cheetah say rain forest overrated, not need all these trees.

Jane: But if they knock down all the trees where will the monkeys and birds reside?

Tarzan: Affordable housing has been discussed, Jane.