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Sneffels Denies Trade Rumors

Sneffels Denies Trade Rumors

Mount Sneffels at the start of  the season

(Mr. Woodhouse’s House) Mount Sneffels today denied trade rumors bombarding the high country. The chatter has risen to high decibel levels since Thanksgiving, suggesting that the landmark over-achiever would be gone by the annual winter meetings slated for Tuba City.

Scenarios fly like an incontinent raven perched on a trash dumpster. Most likely, say elders, Sneffels will be swapped for a crest of younger mountains from either the West Elks or the Maroon Bells. Earlier speculations connecting the 14,150-foot peak to lesser ranges such as the LaSals (in Utah) or the Sangre de Cristos have been scuttled by common bloggers. Some are gambling that the mountain will end up out of state while others say an international transaction is on the horizon.

Sneffels, according to agents, has fallen out of favor with the San Juans who might be looking to embrace a youth movement. Last year several neighboring peaks complained that the often-decorated mountain crumbled in a tight situation and did little or nothing to accommodate wildlife or encourage snowmelt.

“Missed tackles, poor shot choices, camping out in the penalty box and the inability to run out fly balls has created a climate of mistrust, even resentment, at the highest levels, say rocky critics

“Rebuilding has always been a rough time for mountain ranges,” said Zach Gaza, agent for the mountain. “Sometimes old friends get swept under the alpine carpet and a sort of progress ensues making it difficult to tell the forest from the trees.”

Although Sneffels is not considering retirement, close associates say the peak might accept a lesser roll in relief, whereas it does not have show up for early drills or to play every day once the season has commenced.

The most likely arrangement is that Sneffels sits out the winter and moves on in the spring. The most probable destination: The Nepalese Himalayas. Trades have been discussed involving Naya Kanga peak from the Langtang Tigers or possibly the bookend giants, the Chulu peaks from over in the Annapurna Range. Kanga brings power from both sides of the plate while the Chulu boys offer speed and staying power at over 6000 meters.

“Sneffels is worth more than another run of immigrant domes,” said Guy Guy, former coach for the Fossil Ridge Rangers, a minor league elevated mass. “A lot of these foreigner mountains are overly sensitive to the elements. They resemble volcanoes ready to blow their cool at the slightest provocation,” he said.

“A little shake-up is what we need in the San Juans, countered a highfalutin Uncompahgre Peak, who has lorded over Sneffels for centuries. “These mountains are just getting a little too comfortable with the present arrangement. Maybe it’s time for Sneffels to take a knee. The last time we saw him thrive on the power play was 15,000 years ago. No bat speed. Five fouls and you’re out! The old “comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” pretext doesn’t compute in these Cenozoic times.”

Uncompahgre says a high elevation house cleaning is in order.

“I’m the big dog in town,” he continued. “And I don’t mean just in elevation either. There’s only room enough on this range for one pinch-hitter and that is yours truly.”

As the saga winds down for the off-season, the question remains as to how the lithosphere might realign with these continental drifts, or trades, looming. Sneffels has continued to wallow in denial, adopting a pouting, no comment demeanor while less-than-friendly television  analysts measure seismic hot spots, watching for signs of the smallest fault in the mountain’s stoic exterior.

– Small Mouth Bess