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Ski Patrol Called Up

(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.

The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump  Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.

According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.  

“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”

The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes. 

The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”

A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.

In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.

Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.

“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”

– Rocky Flats