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Skates banned from Winter Olympics

(Flagstaff) Competition skates, ones with razor sharp edges for traction and durability, have been banned from future Winter Olympics competition, it was announced today. The potential weapons will be confiscated on-site and at border crossings all over the civilized world.

“If any skater attempts to smuggle skates into the state he/she will be prosecuted under one of our new terrorist acts,” said what appeared to be a rattled bureaucrat from down the hall. “We don’t feel the need to banish items like skis, due to size, or hockey sticks. It’s the skates that we’re concerned about.”

Just last night federal agents arrested three Eastern European skaters who looked suspicious.

“They seemed a bit too nervous when we frisked them and sent carry-ons back through the X-ray machine over and over again,” said one agent. “Then when we asked them to provide further proof of identity they really acted guilty.”

None of the three arrested could speak English but then again, neither could most of the security personnel on the scene.

It is hoped that the skaters will be released before the snow melts.

In a related piece air units attached to the War on Drugs accidentally attacked ground troops operating within the War on Terrorism. Fortunately War on Poverty bombers missed their targets and there were no reported injuries.


(Kabul) It has mountains and lots of snow. It has an employment pool in place that is used to working for nothing. It offers better housing options than Telluride or Crested Butte. It’s close to European ski population and to evolving markets in Asia. It’s Afghanistan.

Already several ski interests have invested an initial sum of money for an marketing survey and ad campaign under the hype umbrella of “Afghanistan…Where you’ve always wanted to ski!”

According to executives at Vail the terrain, although bleak, cries out for development. Treeless slopes are prime for lifts and runs while now idle militants could be pressed into service as members of the ski patrol. 

“Talk about extreme,” said Melvin Toole, of Crested Butte. “Many of us never thought the sport would go over in Utah but good snow proved us wrong. We might not even have to make snow.”

Toole pointed to the existence of one airport in Kabul and the possibility of transforming air bases into mini airports specifically designed to handle large groups.

“Sure, we’ll pump millions into lifts and maintenance but think of the profits from condo sales,” cried Toole. “We’ve already started excavation near Mazur-i-Sharif in the north and down south at Kyber Pass. Several ski resorts in the Hindu Kush could be easily served from Kabul.”

Toole told reporters that already many merchants have expressed interest in getting in on the ground floor.

“You never know how much highgrade heroin can end up in your pie can after a shift,” winked one government source.

“Remember what a dump Steamboat Springs used to be before the ski area opened?” he chided. “Remember Aspen in the age of coal?”

Colorado Ski Country hopes to gain the blessing of leading mullahs in Afghanistan by offering them complimentary season passes and one-on-one instruction. 

“This country is perfect for skiing,” added Toole. “Turbans are warm, burkas cut the wind on the face and those cute little papooshes make great telemark boots.” 

-Tommy Middlefinger