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(Crested Butte) The average American is far more likely to injure himself in the bathroom than on the ski slopes according to a recently completed study by Colorado Ski and Snowboard Country. Questionable statistics, presumably manufactured by the industry, clearly indicate that people are at far greater risk engaged in normal daily functions than they might be screeching down a double diamond.

“While in the common bathroom one has to contend with a sink, a tub, a commode, possibly throw rugs, rogue towel racks, conspiratorial shower curtains, sharp-edged toilet paper dispensers, open windows, ceiling fans, insidious doors, cheap wallpaper, protruding walls and unstable medicine cabinets,” said Zorro DesPlants, a spokesman for the recreation interest. 

“Also, one must consider that the average human in the using the bathroom may have only recently arisen from his slumber and is vulnerable to a host of potential accidents. Others are under pressure or in a hurry. Some are simply stupid when it comes to functioning amid advanced technology.”

In response, the Armenian Plumbers Union, Ed’s Bubble Bath International, the Western Shampoo Growers, Mom’s Linens and Towels Ltd., the American Tile Manufacturers and an assortment of air freshener concerns has filed a protest with the state attorney general saying that the ski people have made up the entire comparison so as to scare people.

“Sure, we know the bathroom can be a frightening place but if people just take necessary precautions the entire exposure has every chance in the world of resulting in a positive experience,” she said. “Helmets, seat belts and air bags, while a pipe dream a few years back, are now employed by many in the little room down the hall. I myself,” she explained, “enjoy an immeasurable degree of security by the inclusion of a large caliber pistol in my constitutional entourage.” 


Tambien de este lado hay suenos (On this side there are dreams) Graffiti in Nogales, Mexico

– from American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins