All Entries Tagged With: "rumpus"

Bedroom Remodels

     Ralph was a retired air force jet engine mechanic. He had joined the USAF when he was only

seventeen and so, after the minimum time of twenty years, was able to retire as a spry, eager

thirty-seven-year-old. Soon Ralph became bored, however, and at his wife’s urging, he got a job

at an ubiquitous home appliance and hardware superstore.

      After working there for several months, Ralph noticed that many contractors did kitchen and

bathroom remodel work, but no one was doing bedroom remodels. He was certain that he could

fill a need and make a killing in this neglected market.

     With joy in his heart and a spring in his step, he gave notice to quit his job at Crap for My House. On his last

day on the job, he told several coworkers of his brilliant plan. “I’m going to capitalize on what absolutely, most

assuredly is going to be the next major housing trend: bedroom remodels!” His coworkers stared at him blankly.

“You all should seriously consider quitting and joining me in my new company!” They all wished him well and said

goodbye as Ralph clocked out one last time.

     Ralph’s sister-in-law built a gorgeous, easy-to-navigate website for his new company and set up

a credit card payment system. But as the days crawled by, no one clicked the Contact

button. He spent $3,000 for five thousand business cards (that had an incorrect phone number

because he was too eager to get them printed and didn’t proofread them first), five hundred hats,

and five hundred lousy, thin T-shirts with the company logo that peeled off the first time they got washed.

     He took out a home equity line of credit to purchase a beautiful, contractor-outfitted,

$89,000 work truck. In six months it was repossessed for failure to make payments.

Now working out of his brother-in-law’s 1973 Ford Country Squire station wagon, one day Ralph was handing out

business cards in the parking lot of a sports bar. He had spent an entire weekend drawing a line through the mis-

printed phone number, hand-writing the correct phone number on the back of all four thousand nine hundred and

eighty-two remaining cards with, SEE BACK OF CARD scribbled in the front.

     A woman approached him, looked at the peeling letters on his company T-shirt, stared at the

business card he held up to her face and said, “Bedroom remodels, huh?” Ralph smiled broadly,

revealing his lovely coffee- tobacco- and Pepsi-colored teeth.

      “That’s correct, ma’am! We’re the best!”

      “Uh . . . okay. But aren’t bedrooms just four walls?”

      Ralph stumbled. “Um, no. Uh, well . . . technically, yes, but—but it’s an art form to get a

bedroom just right. We have designers that will give you whatever you want in your bedroom.”

     The woman burst out laughing, turned, and walked away as she said, “I don’t need your

designers to give me what I want in my bedroom, honey. I got my husband for that!”

     Ralph is now back at his old job, where he works five days a week advising people on

the difference between string and twine. Most of his pay goes toward the loan he took out on two

enormous custom-made neon signs that he had purchased for his rented building. They are so

pretty, bright, colorful, and cheerful that he couldn’t stand to get rid of them.

     His only real problem now is when the neighbors complain that they can’t sleep at night because of the brightly

flashing RALPH’S RUMPUS ROOM REMODELS signs that he installed on the roof of his house.

– Doug Fergus