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Many Rockies Embrace Vegetarianism

In what appears to be a soft-sided protest against the owners of the franchise, many Rockies players have turned to vegetarianism. The primarily symbolic change-up in eating lifestyle comes after another year dawns without suitable pitching and with no plan to upgrade.

Controlling interest in the team is held by the Monfort Brothers, Charles and Dick, also known as “the meat men” in cynical circles on and off Blake Street. Starting with a few head of cattle during the Great Depression the Monfort family built an extensive meat empire centered at Greely, Colorado.

Along with several other minority stockholders the family acquired the Colorado Rockies baseball franchise from Mickey Monus in 1992. The latter had become embroiled in scandals related to the shady corporate pharmaceutical dealings and off-loaded the team.

“It began with meatless team meetings and burgeoned into vegan batting practice and games of pepper sans steak. Now it appears to be a subtle revolt against bad pitching and horrible management decisions. (Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story for starters).

Despite the best fans in baseball the bosses are still dragging their feet, desperately signing washed up sluggers and sub-par players to disguise their incompetence. The Rockies have consistently underperformed and, although the farm system has shined, have failed to create a winning culture in the Mile High City. While Denver sportswriters whine and fans fume, the players have been chewing on tofu and brown rice along with assorted fruits and vegetables that had been missing from the training table until recently.

How much of it is political is anyone’s guess.

Sleepy (but nice guy) Manager Bud Black, was brushed back by the development. He called it a passing fancy but a puffy administration has raised the red flag saying the players could eat what they liked as long as they kept their mouths shut on upstairs business.

“We’ve already seen the entire infield go vegan,” said one middle management source. “What are we supposed to do, sit idly by the hot dog stand while the whole team chows down on Poori-Sabzi and falafel? They’ll never survive the weight room without red-blooded protein! This not some vague fielder’s choice. This is a threat to the game.”

In an alleged attempt to steer the movement off course the Monforts have agreed to host an information night called The Humane Slaughterhouse sometime before the All-star break. Meal vouchers start at $150 not counting beer. Season ticket holders are invited free of charge.

“We’ll be carefully screening future prospects so as to spot potential troublemakers on and off the field,” said yet another team administrator. “If they don’t eat hot dogs there is no place for them on our roster.”

 -Rocky Flats, Sports Editor