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Rogue Herefords Turn on Rancher

(Ridgway) Dozens of renegade cows have turned on their master causing non-life threatening injuries and sending a frightening message to other ranchers in the region. The uprising, said to have been in the making since July, reportedly stems from long undressed grievances on the part of the herd, who say they are manipulated and do not share in profits from agricultural operations.

“He’s pretty shook up,” said a neighbor of Merv Ditchwater, who ranches up Cow Creek. He trusted them cows.”

Authorities expressed concern that the assault might be connected to international terrorism or to Mooists operating in remote parts of Asia. Both have threatened stepped up action with regard to alleged abuses in the cattle industry.

“Up till now we haven’t seen any similar activities on the part of goats and chickens,” said an Interior Department Official. “The horses are loyal, the pigs are in clover, the ducks are ducky…but we’re monitoring the sheep.”

Animal behaviorists contend that radical Woolyists, hiding among the confines of local sheep herds could try something as early as next week. The blame radicals and dry conditions for militancy within these generally docile ranks.

“You look at a bunch of grazing cattle and you see peace and pastoral bliss,” said Ditchwater from his hospital bed. “That’s what I thought too. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there and seen the anger, the brutality. I’ve had enough. I’m moving to Denver and getting a gov’ment job.”

Intercepted codes reportedly originating within banned sacred cow networks suggest that this is only the beginning.

“As of 8:35 this morning we have broken the code,” said the Interior official. It’s “AND THE COW’S IN THE CORN but beyond that we don’t have a clue.”

The official said he’s not worried since his agency has a bottomless operating budget and will continue to “push the envelope until the cows come home.” 

Consumer groups and drugstore vegetarians expressed concern that the gov’ment will take advantage of these troubles to further tighten the noose on personal liberties within the cattle population.

“Before long you won’t see a cow grazing without security personnel on duty. X-ray machines, loyalty oaths and expired visas will be a thing of the past,” said the source. “They might even have to take off their shoes at the airport or surrender their toothpaste.”

The ringleader of the attack is thought to be registered breeding bull from the provinces who goes by several aliases including T-Bone Gaza, which is the name on his student visa from cow school.

Citizens are asked to report anything suspicious in the pasture. Wanted posters, featuring a photo of Gaza, are expected to be on display in local post offices before long. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe