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Macaques, Howlers and ED Capsules

A formula for disaster in our alpine canopy

Local authorities seek input as to the burgeoning ED treatment epidemic within the Japanese Macaque and Howler Monkey populations in the San Juans and Elk Mountains. As most of our enlightened readership is already well aware, the primates were secretly dropped into the Wiminuche Wilderness in 1985 followed by another introduction of a smaller group of immigrant macaques in 1991.

That was then. Now is now. The clash of monkeys and medicine. Catastrophe looms. Ape anarchy.

The availability and acceptability of erectile dysfunction products out there in the medicinal world has seen to that. They are plentiful on the black market. They have made their way into the forests. They are everywhere like jelly beans on Easter. The place has gone nuts. Primates that once blended well with other existing flora and fauna are no longer so docile. Monkeys who appeared content to sit in trees and yell are now out looking for a good time, every night of the week, so we’re told.

Police are perplexed as to how the primates are acquiring the drugs so easily and at such a volume.

“We are monitoring known dispensing spots for all sorts of legal pharmaceuticals,” said one officer in Colona. “We watch for suspicious behavior but not one monkey or ape has been spotted within city or town limits.”

County officials say the ED pills are being brought by tourists and discarded. They say the accessibility has grown over the past decade. But they agree that this is small potatoes compared to the incendiary house of cards shuffling in our woodlands.

“The alarming part is that the deteriorating relationship between wardens and primates has reached toxic levels so quickly despite the availability of counseling and free coffee at a series of open meetings that were poorly attended to be kind, and seen as irrelevant by other wildlife. 

Humans are warned to stay out of the woods during the traditional morning, afternoon and evening mating times. Residents and visitors alike are reminded that the macaque and howlers are protected species. Harming one could land you in jail with big fines and a loss of hunting privileges for yourself and your off-spring.

“If it was me I’d just stay in the house or go to Arizona,” said one county commissar, who pleaded anonymity. 

The clandestine experiment seemed to be going very smoothly as the troupes found everything they required to sustain and thrive as the first control group in North America. Although the forests were quite different than more tropical environs the animals quickly adapted substituting quakie for mango leaves and berries for bananas.

Division of Wildlife plans to relocate the species to Oklahoma during rifle season here have been abandoned due to the cost of diesel.

-Tommy Middlefinger