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Perfume spill shuts down shipping along Choco’

(Buenaventura) A massive offshore cologne spill here has crippled shipping along the entire Pacific Coast with the worse affects from Tulaco to Guapi in the south, and up north on the open shoreline near Arusi and Pizarro.

The spill, traced to a ship from Cologne, covered an area twice the size Ecuador and could threaten the Galapagos Islands.

“Imagine gallon upon gallon of an unnatural fragrance interfacing with giant tortoises, marine iguanas, flightless cormorants and even a Darwin finch or two,” said Howie “Old” Spice, Director of Direction Shifting Sands on the timeless, often mysterious chain.

The Galapagos Islands, one thousand kilometers off the shore of SA , have been called the showcase of evolution due to a population of rare species that have thrived here for centuries.

This morning, the spill is flowing south in a smooth stream. Weather gals in Guayaquil say the perfume could link up with the Humboldt Current and destroy the planet by the weekend. Scientists fear it could take months to remove the offending discharge. Neutralizing the floral scent could take years.

The alleged destination of the perfume tanker was Colombia, a nation that consumes over 2000 gallons of cologne per week…and that’s just the men.

“You can catch the odor of aftershave anywhere you go here,” said Spice. “The aroma is detectible to the trained nose in a coffee shop, on the plaza or even from a passing motorcycle. When mixed with rum or aguardiente it can be quite intoxicating.”

Many of the animals living on the Galapagos chain have successfully avoided the full brunt of the intrusion, moving to the other side of the islands and burrowing into the sands.

“Most people think the perfume merchants should pay for the damages,” said Spice, “but I see some benefits in the big picture. Let’s face it, he smiled, “ 100-year old tortoise  can’t smell all that good anyway.”

-Tommy Middlefinger