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Ouray County Notes

Second-Home Burglary Seminar Slated

(Pleasant Valley) A complimentary seminar undressing burglary of vacant summer homes will be held on April 26 at the Ridgway Homeless Shelter at 8 pm. Due to snowballing interest the organizers of the event are bringing in folding chairs and may provide transportation to work-shop locales all over the county. 

     Topics include Choosing the Right House For You, Traveling Light-The Right Gear, Impersonating the Propane Man, Wives Should Always Be Lovers and Dealing With Escape & Denial in the Modern Work Place.

     Participants will then break up into discussion groups for further planning. Anyone wishing to donate their house should call Helen Waite on her cell phone.

Talking Butts Cancel Concert  

In a bit of sad news…the very popular Talking Butts, punk chamber music greats from Pandora, have announced that they will be unable to perform a tentatively scheduled early morning concert as part of Local’s Day at the Durango-Silverton Narrow Gauge Train on October 29

The band cited a conflict with a previously scheduled concert at Boycott the Evil Chains Day arranged by Disappointment Valley Optimists for the same day. 

     “They could do both concerts but they’re far too self-absorbed and selfish to think about anyone else but themselves,” said Finn McCool, the band’s manager

The TBs, as they are affectionately known, came into their own after gaining questionable notoriety after smoothly executing a private Father’s Day concert for Haitian dictators Papa Doc and Baby Doc Duvalier. Besides frightening goats and alarming the Roman Catholic hierarchy when they set fire to the stage, the Talking Butts succeeded in electrifying the entire city of Port-Au-Prince, but only for a few hours when it was back to the noisy CIA-sponsored, Chinese-made gas generators.

     “These bastards are too lazy, far too lazy to get up off their drunken arses to make the early morning appearance in Silverton…the gobsheens!” continued McCool. “Drug addicts and perverts the lot of them the night before every show. Sure, write whatever you want in your silly newspaper. I’ll just deny it later.”

Mad Evangelist Disease Detected Here

(Ouray County) Traces of Mad Evangelist Disease have been detected along the Billy Creek school bus route substantiating allegations that the much maligned Bibles for Bananas Program has been funneling money to off-Broadway survivalist sects. The corruption, which was once believed to be contained, has proven to be more rampant than expected.

     “Hey, we’re all human,” said Windy Turtaffe, acting comptroller of BFB. “Everyone gets their fingers in the cookie jar from time to time.”

     Recent calls for the assassination of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro Moros has brought this mangy melodrama to a head, according to health officials here. Astounded secularists say the words echoed are like those whispered by the Pharisees a long, long time ago.

     “They base their beliefs on the philosophies of another victim who was taken out because he was also in the way of theological and (in the end) pecuniary interests,” said the official. “Then they turn around and call for more blood. I don’t get it.”

     “It’s all semantics,” said Turaffe, “and twisting of the truth by the liberal, prodigal press,” he said. Take him out could have easily meant out to lunch or out to dinner

Machete Bar to Feature Quilt Show, Tea

(Ridgway) The landmark Machete Bar, located in the bad neighborhood here, will present its First Annual Tiara Quilt Show and Tea as part of Anarchist’s Alpine Holiday on June 31. The display, will wind some six miles from the Old School to what was once Ridgway Mercantile and now houses a boutique for pets. All proceeds from quilt sales will go toward paying the bar’s liquor bill. The public is encouraged to attend but asked to leave weapons and bad attitudes at home. 

Evidence Surfaces in case of Vanished River Road Wag 

(Ridgway) The mysterious disappearance of Miller Mesa woman Ruthie Roosterson has been linked to outdated wrinkle cream which friends she regularly applied “like honey to a fresh sopapilla”. Late yesterday police began to put the investigation together when several tubes of the cream were found outside the woman’s shack on the River Road which connects Ouray to Ridgway. They are calling it Exhibit A,  just like on the television courtroom dramas.

     “She looked like an ice cream cone one day and a whitewashed fence the next,” said neighbor Lillian Snodgrass of the Crested Butte Snodgrasses. “We all warned her but the lure of the stuff was too much. I don’t know if it actually gets rid of wrinkles but it appears to have gotten rid of Ruthie.” 

Readers may recall that Roosterson once wrapped porterhouse steaks around her neck then drove around with her Rotweiller in the front seat of the pickup to test his loyalty and love. It didn’t work out and soon the dog ran off anyway. That’s when the wrinkles started appearing, as if from nowhere.

     “That ungrateful fek’,” continued Snodgrass. She cooked for him. She cleaned for him and he trades her off for a younger piece of meat. He never did like my cookin’ either,” she spat.

     Local authorities have pledged to get to the bottom of the disappearance as soon as Roosterson’s net worth can be established.

-Fred Zeppelin