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Note: This is not meant to be the complete roster of factual information available on the subject of knowledge. Contents are under pressure and perceptions often easily explode. Be assured the following is fragrance free and non-toxic but may cause congenital jitters if minor dwelling occurs in vulnerable joints and brain passages.

A good cup of coffee is always better than a good beating, especially in the early morning.

Global warming is a myth concocted by secular humanists in order to break down moral values, but it does seem quite hot for this time of the year.

Sword swallowing isn’t something that most people get the hang of right away. It takes lots of practice. 

Successful navigation of the mighty Zambezi is no walk in the park.

People were a whole lot happier before the invention of the ego.

If any group of people cries out to be tested for drugs it’s the US


Everyone knows The Boogie Man lives on Tchoupitoulas Street in the Irish Channel in New Orleans.

Organized baseball began in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1846 (The New York Nine beat Hoboken’s Knickerbocker Giants 23 to 1). The Cincinatti Reds were the first professional team, touring the country in 1869.

There are more sheep in New Zealand than there are French poodles on Paris Island.

Elizabeth Clare Prophet may have been slightly off on her calculations when she predicted that a nuclear holocaust was coming in March of 1990. Her apocalyptic sect has been on the skids for the past 32 years, often waking up in a world comprised of subterranean bridge challenges.

Jerry Springer was once mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio but lost credibility when, in 1979, he wrote a questionable check to a hooker across the river in Newport, Kentucky.

Pagan religions are not prone to send missionaries to other parts of the globe, preferring to concentrate on metaphysics in the local arena. Human sacrifice was not always a sacrifice but rather an effective way to silence critics, especially those who happen to be virgins.

Ham-handed people too must break some eggs if they want to cook an omelet. However they should not be left alone in the kitchen with the cutlery for more than a few minutes.

Among nomadic societies it is not always looked on as fortitudinous to bring one’s horse to a complete stop prior to dismounting.

The cheeks of Louis Armstrong were quite a bit larger than those of Louisa May Alcott and Chester A. Arthur combined.

Mint juleps, although often associated with the Kentucky Derby and horse racing, go quite well raw oysters. They aren’t half bad with Rocky Mountain oysters either.

Bombay Bloomers were army shorts once worn by the British East India Company when it was too hot to wear full breeches. This shocking fashion statement only amplifies the standard critique that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out into the noonday sun.

If one’s earned run average is distinctly higher than his IQ he should probably be playing right field.

In Havana there are more cantinas dedicated to Ernest Hemingway than to both Fidel and Raoul Castro.

There are more hair salons in the city of Montrose than there were Elvis movies made between 1955 and 1965.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

James J Ritty, owner of a tavern in Dayton, Ohio invented the cash register in 1879 to keep his patrons from pilfering house profits.

Up to the age of six or seven months a child can breathe and swallow at the same time. An adult cannot do this.

It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.

Airline food was inspired by hospital food which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.

All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.

The drinking community has been decimated by the number of DUIs issued since 1990.

The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.

Punctuality is in the eye of the beholder.

I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.

The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.

When the owner of a new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. 

Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, they may have Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Christian.

Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. Will there be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?

Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.

It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.

The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16. 

There is virtually no mention of motorized travel in the Book of Genesis.

Stuffing a turkey and stuffing a ballot box are relatively simple once one gets the hang of it.

There is a Burger King (cultural export) adjacent to several 16th Century buildings in central Guadalajara.

Cowboy Sundays last just a little bit longer than other ones.

Very few local restaurants feature Canadian-American cuisine.

Uninformed voters who vote invalidate elections. Why then do all of our peter pan patriots keep urging them to vote?

The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to trap the sediments in the wine.

If one’s monthly liquor bill is higher than the GNP of a small Latin American country maybe he/she should find a new hobby.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father’s, President Garfield’s and President McKinley’s. After the last shooting he refused ever to attend a state function again.

One ostrich egg can make up to twelve omelets.

In ancient Greece it was illegal to project the winner of an election until all the votes were counted. An actual democracy existed there for about ten years. In the United States, where projection is the rule, we have never had a true democracy.

Pirates have a lot more fun than accountants.

If one watches carefully he can detect a slight smile on the pouch of a pelican after his or her dinner.

– Gabby Haze