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(Cahone) Initial data sent back to earth from Mars Pathfinder indicates that a nightlife exists on the Red Planet. Martian rover craft, scurrying about the surface, revealed multicolored rocks, craters and other geological features that are much like those in places like Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro and Bahrain. Weathered ruins of what appear to be neon signs dot the landscape leading scientists to believe that nightclubs once loomed.

One such spot, dubbed Barnacle Bills’ by NASA sources, could have been the kissing cousin of such modern shrines as the Hard Rock Cafe or Señor Frog’s. Gray rock formations, discovered in the shadow of a region dubbed “Twin Peaks”, may well have been the amphitheaters of days gone by. Long whitish stone outcroppings may have been bars, the carefully placed black boulders busy waitron stations.

“The lounges, clearly visible in most of the pictures, suggest that the Martians of past centuries liked to kick up their heels,” said one geologist on the Mars team. “Imagine a landscape that closely resembles Northwest New Mexico or Eastern Colorado. Doesn’t it stand to reason that living in a forsaken spot such as this would create the need to go dancing on the weekends?” 

The majority of scientists studying Pathfinder’s contributions feel that Mars had a watery past.

“Scotch and water is not all that far fetched,” said another researcher. “Rocks are scattered around just like the meteor craters in Arizona. We think they functioned as metamorphic bar stools.”

One NASA secret document continually makes reference to a simulated Martian landscape called “the Sandbox”. A spokesman for the aerospace engineers would not comment directly on what this indicates, nor would she respond to questions having to do with prehistoric light shows, go-go cages, happy hours or how a bottle of Polish vodka appeared on Pathfinder when the sun went down.

– Rocky Flats