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Expanded NBA Play-Offs to be held outdoors

Kids have done it for decades. In rough neighborhoods from The Bronx to Baltimore to East Los Angeles, they play basketball. Now National Basketball Association stars will compete in high anxiety matchups on blacktop courts and back lots in some of the nation’s more challenging, yet stimulating neighborhoods.

In what is called Spread the Wealth America, the innovative plan expects to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars where it is needed the most. Players, broadcasters, advertisers, league officials and the feds are all on board with the outdoor games that culminate in May.*

“Imagine the top players in the NBA banging the boards and stuffing it in naked rims just like the kids in the hood,” said Efram Pennywhistle Jr., a self-described “philanthropic point guard for commerce” who has raised a bundle as Millionaire players and fans bond with disadvantaged kids.

“Our advertisers are drooling at the prospect of presenting their brand as kind, caring and cutting edge,” smiled Pennywhistle. “I remember when it was fashionable for many corporations to practice institutional racism but those days are over, at least on the surface.”

In a related piece the National League has voted unanimously to abandon the traditional dugout during this and all future pandemics. Saying that the close proximity of players is unhealthy, the Major League entity did not say when the dugouts would reopen. Over in the Junior Circuit, where many view the keystone diggins’ as bomb shelters, there has been no word on this potentially consequential mater.             Dolores Alegre 

*exact date unknown due to Covid-19 truncations