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Many Mule Deer Opting For Early Retirement

(Montrose) An alarming number of mule deer from the Uncompahgre Plateau are choosing to retire early and accept whatever salary and benefits they can get. Seeing the move as a viable alternative to ending up at the wrong end of a gun the animals would be retrained in other fields such as restaurant work and construction.

     Sources within the gov’ment say they are somewhat concerned as to the fiscal affects of this mass retirement but the biggest concern is that there might not be enough deer on the job during hunting season.

     “We’ve already overcharged all of these out-of-state hunters for licenses,” said Melvin Toole of the DOW. “It would not be pretty if all the deer are out to pasture when they arrive. Who knows, the orange battalions might come hunting for us!”

     Toole expressed concern that many of the deer see the retirement as more of a sabbatical, thinking they can go back to work in December.

     “We won’t have any of that,” he spat. “Once they’ve quit they’re out of the picture. We have already contacted scab herds from Utah to fill in by early 2023.”

     The situation has become even stickier with the disclosure that local elk will go through with a class action suit against bullet manufacturers in November. Herein the animals say the producers of shells have knowingly endangered their well being. They are modeling their efforts after successful settlements with tobacco cartels.

     “The elk became angry when they got wind of DOW attempts to temporarily cancel health benefits from early October through November,” sniffed Toole. “That’s why they boycotted the annual moose raffle at Armageddon Bingo Palace last month.

– Estelle Marmotbreath