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Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes

(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.

“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one instinct and emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.

Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.

“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”

Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant. 

Lights Out for Big Box Chains?

(Pea Green) Every cloud must have a silver lining. The sluggish economy has forced the closure of many big box outlets nationally, with many local chains feeling the strain.

This morning Wal-Mart, Target, Home Depot, Denny’s, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Kroger. Safeway, Pet Smart, Applebees and Pizza Hut announced that they were closing up shop here and moving on to greener pastures.

While the news received mixed reaction a majority of those polled will not be sorry to see these mass merchandisers leave town. 

“Where will all the chronic consumers go when their temples are boarded up?” asked one downtown merchant. “Maybe they’ll realize that they don’t need all the junk these pirates offer them.”

The immediate problem centers on what to do with the skeletal edifices hastily constructed by these massive corporations. According to a feature article in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine, the abandoned buildings can serve useful purposes for the community. 

“In Iowa one town took possession of an abandoned Wal-Mart and turned it into an ice skating rink while a Taco Bell on the West Coast became a senior citizen transportation office,” said the piece. 

“They love the fake Mexican architecture but who cares as long as they don’t wander off and get hit by a train,” said one caseworker. 

The article goes on explaining how a Pet Smart in Maryland was sold for scrap and how land, once covered in asphalt, was reclaimed by farmers.

While city officials worry about lost tax revenues, social scientists see the development as a breakthrough for humanity.

“Big box stores and chains bleed a community dry all the time in every locale,” explained one mental health worker. “Our priorities have been all wrong. If we intend to get the country back on track, we must work for the common good. I myself welcome the homeless shelter in what was once a Subway.”

Fred Zeppelin