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American Taliban followers forgiven in advance

(Colorado Springs) A leader of the growing American Taliban Church told believers not to worry about personal morality since by adhering to the strict dogmas of the organization, they are automatically forgiven up front.

     Bypassing the normal channels of forgiveness, the new sect has attracted many former sinners, too busy to apply for salvation by more traditional methods. Whether the faithful might exhibit remorse was not discussed.

     Speaking from his porch within the state’s first double-gated, gated community, Rev. Carl Chivington told his flock how to eat, sleep and vote if they wanted to embrace the new arrangement.

     “Hell, we’d have even forgiven Judas,” he sneered. “People are far too concerned about breaking a commandment or two when they should be focused on making more money.”

     Chivington, from three generations of circuit riding preachers, operates Sins Be Gone car washes all over Southeast Colorado.

     “Sometimes funds from the church get all mixed up with profits from the car washes and my own personal wealth,” said Chivington, “but I’m forgiven for that too. Anyone you do not see in the pew is out fornicating, drinking and shooting drugs,” he added. There is no gray area in the eyes of righteous. You can be sure of that.”         – Kashmir Horseshoe