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Gravity Levels Dangerously Low Friday

What with Ukraine, Gaza, Immigration woes, the worthless election and global warming it is surprising our scribes in the the literary trenches have time to tell us that our gravity levels are reaching epidemic proportions. They say we are approaching emergency levels with lines boiled in the sand.

What does it mean for the average American?

“It’s hit rural America the hardest with many smaller livestock samples remaining up in the air,” said one agro-economist in Greeley. “You have to realize that there are more livestock out in the country that have always counted on gravity as the enforcer. Maybe that is not the same now.”

Scientists fear that the assault on gravity is somehow linked to contaminated air and water in Third World countries. “Not our fault,”said one MAGA Republican. “I am so tired of people blaming my America for everything.

“It’s payback for colonialism, racism and the hype of everything from baseball to blueberries,” said a white liberal with a Black Lives Matter sign in his gated community in Foggy Bottom.

While in the major cities people have begun to question the need for gravity at all. “We have our cellphones and that keeps our feet on the ground,” said one.

Gravity exposed in Ouray County. Recent photo shows a little but not too much.

Environmentalists continue to harp about methane farts to blame while Republicans continue to call for more control (of everything but them) and ban books that divert the public attention from an assault on democracy.

Democracy and gravity go together hard-in-hand,” said the liberal voice. “It just kinda does.”

He did not elaborate further.

The Republican-led (for today) House has moved to ban gravity since it has not once been mentioned in the Bible. Not wanting to alienate a bone-chilling segment of its faith-based constituency, the extreme right continues to hold out for the Second Coming of the Dulles Brothers.

“How dare you insinuate that I would warm a proletarian bar stool in some concrete cathedral of cold beer and rum, hobnobbing and imbibing to the fullest extent of the law with the local peasantry?” – Tom Paine, anarchist