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Mob Offers Collection Seminar

(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to bill collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be presented by visiting gangsters as part of Mafia Ski Week scheduled for the last week in January in 2023. Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation, destruction of property and garnishment.

The carefully chosen panel features some 200 years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining. 

“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.

The multi-layered approach to debits and balance sheets, although often extreme, has been documented to be 98% effective according to shadow groups engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.

“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”

Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for Evangelical Naked Skiing and controversial Flea Ski programs that have failed to produce needed revenue for the town” according to unreliable sources on the Mountain. 

The concentrated program costs $150. Interested parties are encouraged to pay up front. Lunch will be served.

– Susie Compost

“She also spoke to the baby in French. She was well educated, and those kind of people speak French to their babies.”  – art museum guard to Allisandro in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin