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Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days

(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2024 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.

     The project, dubbed The Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.

     “If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”

     The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.

     “Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “Many go on stupid cruises or go to stupid Las Vegas. It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.

     According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1902. Frighteningly enough, most major decisions made since then were formulated by top level officials who had called in stupid.

     “It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”

                                                                           -Dinty Moore 

“Blame who you will. Point the Yankee finger. But the drug problem begins at the end of the nose of the United States. Sure, I’ll grow corn instead of coca and watch as my children starve.”

– Emilio Chinchina, Colombian farmer.