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  The consecrated funeral industry has been driven to its knees today with the announcement that the bereaved can now jerky their dearly departed. 

     The somewhat drastic, yet prudent, escape from tradition and common procedure has been approved by the USFDA, the International Brotherhood of Meatpackers and the Latin American Council on Land Use among others. Even NASA has nodded a vague approval while the Rocky Mountain Association of Cattlemen has enthusiastically supporting the new technology.

It is a safe and cheaper alternative to burials or even cremations. 

Jerkosuction—Innovative yet Controversial

     The process has been condemned as communist and unpatriotic by the funeral industry name here and Congressmen on their payroll.

     “Jesus wants you to bury your dead relatives,” said one funeral director who works nights as a preacher in a Bethesda strip mall. “There’s nothing in the Bible about jerking anything.”  

     In a backward society that has only recently accepted cremation as a viable alternative to burial, the concept of jerky in this context is alarming to many. The thought of a final farewell sans limos, flowers and caskets is often unsettling but the families of the departed generally accept a logical consensus when they compare the cost and the ritual, the morose and the flamboyant, the the church bell payola.

     “Most death arrangements in Western society are barbaric in that they fail to celebrate the life of the departed one,” said Dr. Stillton Winkewoode of Director of Swimming Orgasms at Cal Amari Institute. Winkewoode, author of the best-selling paperback “The Jerky Method”, is recognized as the father alternative meat curing and creative preservation. The Winkewoode method is employed in all 50 states and, at the time of this writing, in Grand Junction.    

– Kashmir Horseshoe