All Entries Tagged With: "IRS and aliens"
IRS LEANING ON ILLEGAL ALIENS
(Ogden) The Internal Revenue Service has announced an aggressive plan to extract over 4.9 billion dollars of overdue taxes from illegal aliens. The plan, which is to be implemented on Christmas Eve, targets aliens from as far away as Neptune and Pluto.
“We’re tired of these deadbeats taxing services, using our airways, and conducting under-the-table business operations,” said Manuel Turnip of the Treasury Department. “Claims that they are non-profit are bogus. Just because they don’t file the correct paperwork on employees and claim $200 business lunches doesn’t place them above our regulations.”
It has been surmised that most inhabitants of the colder planets require immense portions of earth food due to generations of exposure to frigid weather. One alien, exhibiting the color and general bone structure of an aspen tree in July, was observed eating 150 pounds of lettuce at a local salad bar last Friday while his date, a reasonably cute purple-haired Western State coed gnawed on a barbecued rib bone throughout the evening.
“So what?” piped Turnip. “Let them eat cake.”
One former inhabitant of Riobaldo, the fifth star in the Bingo Galaxy, says the IRS is picking on aliens since the average voter doesn’t believe they exist. He says there are millions of humanoid types in the United States alone, citing the high attendance at such cultural events as the opening of Brawl Marts and the number of successful monster truck rallies held annually.
“Who do you think those people are?” asked the Riobaldonian, who has been incarcerated for evasion of income taxes, since 1964. “We’ve been watching earth for some time now and, despite what your schools say about test scores and with due respect to your occasional achievement in the fields of arts and science, you, at least in an intellectual sense, peaked just after World War II. The IRS, along with television, mass merchandising, freeways and professional sport broadcasts are among the leading factors of validity’s collapse.
The alien went on to say that he has read over 4500 books since his arrest.
“I’ve only got another decade to go and I’m out on parole,” he smiled. “Fortunately we Riobaldo lads live up to 1000 and our mates often reach 1200 or more if they take the right vitamins.”
The IRS stopped short of verifying alien sightings even though it plans to investigate leading space creatures before April 15.
“We don’t have to see a suspect walk out of a space ship to audit him,” clapped Turnip. “The red flag goes up when we see an antenna coming out of his accountant’s head or a 28-letter name on computer that contains nothing but consonants. They can’t hide from us even with the phony checkbooks and that silly monopoly money that has been in circulation for the past year. Have you seen the Ben Franklins? Who’d be dumb enough to take one for debts public or private?”
Still the aliens hang on, claiming that light years are a deduction, winning a six-month quart battle over taxable child care, gritting their bicuspids over plans to cut capital gains.
“The deep-rooted problem is that none of us aliens has ever wanted to work for the IRS and they resent us for it,” said a silver-sheathed accountant from Barlparami, an upstart planet in the Chin-Mahoney Galaxy. “They just hate to see anyone, especially small business aliens, succeed and then beat them with their own rules.”
– Ripple Van Winkle
“There is nothing the rabble fears more than intelligence. If they understood what is truly terrifying, they would fear ignorance.”
– Goethe
