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Driving left of logic

on that mean, misty roundabout

leftover from the pubs of our roots

four-corpse fried full breakfast to boot.

It’s one regular Celt cult over here

splashed Eire green, beaches of pebbled priorities

ages of breaths taken

then released along the boreen.

Blood relatives rolling chimes off lips

brandished by the paths of armies

and mythologies dispatched

by vigilant moss, cutting sea breezes.

Harbor in tears, crashing waves

judged too soon by Cranberry Druids

land of emigrant departures

Fenian convicts on the sea.

Endless red cavalry stopped

in its tracks by angry fir

with only pikes against artillery

potato stars and mad mornings.

And the lough came into the sitting room

for his afternoon tea.

Boatloads of vanquished Blasket Islanders

victims of a fishless ocean

drift toward the rocky An Daingean

refugees from Europe’s most westerly isles.

Paddy’s last name is O’Flaherty

It’s been so and is sure not a rarity

his whiskey pot still

his life a crisp parity.

Where they still speak it

in out of the rain

telling the tale

in careful ancient words. 


(Dublin) In the hubbub ash of recently alleged Chinese-Alien messaging, one preference is clear. Extraterrestrials favor communicating exclusively with the Irish. According to astronomers and telescope cowboys all over the Emerald Isle that only stands to reason.

Ireland’s remote rocky Atlantic may be less threatening than continental Europe and more accessible than more southern and western cores of civilization according to sources at NASA and Roskosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency.

“The landscape may be attractive, landing zones more plentiful, the populace more accepting and customs more familiar,” said Eamon Leap, of West Cork Observatory in Union Hall. “Irish is classified as none of the more difficult languages while the music is the easiest to embrace.”

Leap said many in his village believed that leprechauns still lived in the middle earth and that the banshee visits the dying while tinkers and tenors roamed free, walking amid the stars above.

“The jump to accepting extraterrestrials in our sky is not a formidable one,” winked Leap.

As most of our readers no doubt already know the claim by the Chinese that they had direct contact with alien beings was dismissed by “knowledgable sources” who contend that the recorded chatter and strained sounds came from humans mucking up the radar with their microwave ovens and hair dryers.

Many too are skeptical of the flashy Sky Eye Fast Telescope, the pride of China Manned Space Agency, that they say picks up only artificial signals on aging cryogenic receivers.

“The Chinese are rookies,” said a combative spokesman from SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence). “They have no business being up here with the planets. The suggestion that advanced beings would seek out Beijing is laughable and potentially harmful to sensitive contacts that happen everyday. We are on it. The Chinese are not,” he rammed.

Meanwhile in Connemara, a mysterious, yet official-looking memo discovered in Westport Town suggests some sort of soiree of fiddler’s proportions should be arranged for mid-September. What might be Hiberno-Martian scribbling could be referring to 1916 and Bana Strand welcoming parties who, despite 4 kegs of Guinness and 40 Loaves and Fishes managed to spoil another uprising against the King. A small plow and star are said to have appeared in the sky over Sligo moments after the memo from “Friends in the Ballyheigue Galaxies”.

“If the extraterrestrials want to chat the Irish make the best talkers on the planet,” continued Leap. “Throw in a little Druid, some bogland, a few Vikings, green mountains, seafood, the finest sailing, good whiskey and the people and it’s no surprise we were first pick.”

Hopes that a meeting could be arranged on Stevens Green or Trinity College were shattered when the prospective date turned out to be a bank holiday, one of many days off for a large chunk of the population.

Despite a mute Dahl many others share opinions and reactions in Wexford.

“It took us 700 years to get rid of the last intruders from over across the water,” said one man. “Let’s not be so naive to think these marauders are just coming for tea.”

Several men at the bar at Doyle’s Bar echoed similar sentiments saying that the economy didn’t need anymore outsiders on the public dole.

A man walking on the Liffey welcomed the space travelers.

“We can all live together just so long as the rashers hold out,” he said.

Meanwhile the final word coming down from the shawlies on the Shannon suggests that there is very little we can do about who sails into our harbors, either from the sea or the skies.

“So why worry now?” they asked.

“The Irish stand the best chance of communicating and appreciating the tasks of space wanderers considering Diaspora of that group and tendency toward articulate if not lavish grammar and a sense of the big picture…Looking out into the Atlantic may provide lots of visual.”

“We know the Norsemen and Danes built Galway, Waterford and Cork but did creatures from other planets really build all these pubs?” 

-Finbar Lug

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Connemara, Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

     The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.

     Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

     Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

     Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent  responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

     With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…



(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.

The brave crew responsible for geographic miracles at sea. “Moving large islands has never been easy.”

These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.

“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.

“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”

If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

– Finn McCool