All Entries Tagged With: "Horoscope"
SNOW ON THE PUMPKINS HOROSCOPE
by Kashmir Horseshoe, Zenith of the Zodiac
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Build a better mouse trap and someone more clever than you will jack up the price of cheese. Question reality. Listeners you wish to captivate will sit up and take notice just so long as you limit contact to the telephone. Personal appearances will backfire as people find you less than attractive through the 15th. Open a charge account at the county landfill. Oh, if only golden retrievers could vote…
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Avoid conversations with yourself regarding subject matter that is above your head. Friends may question your choice of breath mints in the late afternoon. Comprehension of cereal box literature is directly related to the individual appetite. Is your head half full or half empty? Remember: Severe skin disease isn’t for everyone. Face it: That bullet wound in the front of your head may require medical attention before the weekend. Spend quality time with a bottle of Russian vodka.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Don’t let fortuitous developments slip through your fingers. Wear mittens. Avoid aggressive exhibition of self control when dealing with underlings. Although you dress much like an adult the jury is still out when it comes to applied maturity levels on all fronts. The days are getting shorter and so is your attention span. Your planets are lined up at the soup kitchen. Visit a relative in jail this weekend.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Your position as bread winner has become quite stale. Try tortillas. Sly manipulation is better than direct confrontation when it comes to house plants. Blaze orange clashes with blood-shot eyes. A willingness to compromise wins friends and allies. A willingness to purchase rounds of drinks keeps them in tow. If you are going to be a deadbeat, be the best darn deadbeat you can be. Pay all debts promptly or leave town a little more promptly. A day trip to the local zoo could help determine evasive family roots.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Spend time at the bottom of the tank in the afternoon. Fish smells like fish. Cattle smells like cattle. Avoid the surf and turf. Mrs. Paul has her one good eye on you. Keep your fins to yourself. Today is trash day and it is a good idea for you to keep on the move. Your bubbly attitude and fresh approach to menial tasks will cause fellow workers to vomit. If you cannot develop a bad attitude on your own, seek professional help. Your personal hygiene problems will not disappear at the car wash.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Today is a great time to get the cat a tattoo. Your culinary talents will emerge tonight with the arrival of a functional can opener to hunting camp. There is more to life than beans but not much more. Take only advice that is not nailed down. Do not rely on social workers who live in cardboard boxes. Hunting camp will be a gas about an hour after dinner is served. Stay upwind from yourself. When searching for personal faults, try an objective topo map. Wash your hands before and after exercising good judgment.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your conscience is in storage and the key is misplaced in your Third House. Sour grapes are in season. You may indeed possess a dull mind but then again you are good at keeping secrets. Deal with domestic disagreements at the other end of the bar.
A man with an extremely large nose wants to buy you a continental breakfast. A casual compliment could turn ugly by lunch. You may find personal growth an evasive issue. Try dwelling on negative attributes while waiting for the traffic light to change. October is a bad month to jump out of airplanes, especially if they are still on the ground.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Suspenders can be handy in keeping your pants up but a good belt of scotch is easier to manipulate in a tight situation. Charm school can be expensive but don’t hold out for a scholarship. Perceived wisdom has shorted out what is left of your tiny brain. Red is your color and intimidation is your game but keep an industrial size bottle of smelling salts handy in case a lucky sucker punch hits home. No matter what the situation be sure to stay on the turnip cart. Pets may find it difficult to adjust to your new wallpaper through the end of the month.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are far too insensitive to take feelings to heart, far too egotistical to take it on the chin and far too closed minded to lend an ear. Get a leg up on life and keep adversaries at an arm’s length. Sticking your neck out will not distract the hangman. The concept of renting your house to transient dog handlers will result in a mess even bigger than life. Take heart as your bowling handicap is higher than your IQ. It’s October. Do you know where your ozone is tonight? Helplessness is not an end in itself but could be the beginning of someone else’s problem.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your nasal passages may be closed for the weekend. Try using chains. Do something nice for local livestock. Don’t allow tedious good judgment to interfere with impulsive desires. Complete all hangovers. Patience is the key. Tinker. The best day for romance was about a month or two ago. You may be ticketed for passing a kidney stone on a dangerous curve. Avoid getting up on the wrong side of the bed by not getting up at all. Get everything in writing even if you cannot read. Put the heavy loads of your life on the gentle cycle.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your innate ability to amuse freshwater fish may be a major asset in the backwaters of rural America, but don’t try the same approach when dealing with urban sharks. Don’t confuse seasonal and spicy. Your Halloween costume will be a big hit with pigeons. Self improvement may be out of the question until summer, so enjoy your lot while you can. Quit your job over the phone. It’s the thing to do. Vote the cosmic ticket this fall. Beware of whiskered men in plaid shirts and lavish dinners in Styrofoam containers. Things will only get better when you do.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
Although you generally say the right thing, it is often to the wrong person. Invisible is sometimes better than invincible especially when dealing with the authorities. Business dealings will be successful if you stick to negotiations with people more naive than you. This will indeed limit the scope of activity but could put money in your pocket. Avoid delegating responsibilities since no one is listening to you anyway.
IF YOU WERE BORN A DEER, ELKOR ANTELOPE
For heaven’s sake make yourself scarce! We don’t want to alarm you, but there are still thousands of loonies, armed to the teeth out in your woods looking for meat…and that meat means you! Unless you think you’d look good next to a bowl of potatoes please adhere to this simple advice: Stay high and keep your antlers about you if you want to be around come spring.
Locally Composted Astrograph
If your birthday is today you have the right to remain solvent. Anything you say may be used against you in a quart of law. In addition, you have the right to your opinion. If you cannot afford such, one will be provided for you. Any quick movements such as reaching for your wallet to show ID, blinking your eyes and/or breathing may be construed as a threat to the arresting officers and you may be shot. Happy birthday and enjoy your freedoms.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Tin men and Scarecrows have the skinny on the subject of Cowardly Lions, but they are afraid to speak up. Spice up your life plan by driving over into the next county this weekend. Adventure awaits. Trust your instincts. With all those cows lounging around there’s no need to go hungry. Cattle rustling has entered the sacred realm of the dead language unless your blood alcohol level is over the limit. You may find yourself shocked by man’s inhumanity to lunch meat and processed cheeses. Get over it. Tonight: Starting malicious fires is a felony.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Garden fairies will offer split pea soup in the afternoon. Watch out for finger food in the evening. Lowered expectations could raise eyebrows in some circles. A square deal may have a damaging escape clause. Sphere chukkas use back door. A lover’s triangle will exclude you at first but be patient as openings will occur from thyme to thyme. Diamond’s are a girl’s best friend. Putting a square peg in a round hole is merely an expression. Tonight: Now there’s a wall that’s just crying out for graffiti.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Too much hobnobbing can turn a person stone blind, but don’t despair. The loss of one sense will only increase the capacity of the others. If you intend to embrace mistakes at least make them silly mistakes. Check your blood sugar every 3,000 smiles. Always signal before changing attitudes. Time is far better spent in front of a mirror than in front of a firing squad. Trust what you see and only part of what you hear, especially when accompanied by a West Cork brogue. Tonight: Do something nice for erotic fish.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Sorry, your sign has been shipped to the Third World where wages are more in line with corporate thinking. The general rule of thumb is most notably determined by where one happens to stick it. There may be times today when you say too much and other times when you say too little. Why not just shut up altogether and give someone else a chance to access themselves? All the whining in the world will not produce the antidote for sour grapes. Tonight: Mascara stains highlight your third eye.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Stop making excuses for the shape of your head. Your white bread world is about to be invaded by whole wheat liberalism. Vital statistics escape you in the early morning. Romantically speaking your charm could lure the Scorpio right out of his shell but getting him back in could present a problem. Limit weekends to three days. A fool and his money don’t generally amount to much. If you stay on top you won’t be plagued by bottom feeders. Tonight: Quell house plant disturbances before retiring.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Just because someone earns more than you and occupies a more prestigious position than you doesn’t mean they are better than you, although the probability is likely. Examine the advantages to bouncing personal checks. When following a hunch be careful not to rear-end yourself on the process. With Mercury, the planet of the mind, retrograde in the rear-view mirror you may want to yield. No, honey, it’s too late for an Easter egg hunt. Tonight: Swelling should abate by dark.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
With a little detective work you could end up in jail. When all about you are losing their heads, change political affiliation. Let a smile be your granola. Although seriously lacking on the depth charts your ability to embrace the surface could keep you out of the hole through the 14th. Stand in line, make a reservation, enlist today – be an integral part of something special no matter how vague your dedication. You are only human, so please stay the hell out of first class or we’ll throw you off the plantain. Tonight: Launder security blankets.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
A romance could be kindled if only you had a light. Making a favorable impression may be aiming a bit too high. Why not settle for charitable coexistence. Truckling, groveling, kowtowing and cringing are not necessarily an end in themselves but rather a means to an end. Tokens of respect seldom work in the gum-ball machines of outrageous fortune. The narcissist does not toss and turn before sleep. A carp in wolf’s clothing is slimy and serves no apparent purpose. Tonight: Reject lucrative-sounding phone solicitations during daytime dramas.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Wearing your heart on your sleeve could get messy. Wearing your parachute upside down could be worse. There’s nothing retro about a good polka. Contemplate the historical significance if perchance Custer had checked his E-Mail before the Bighorn. What if Chief Joseph had been on-line? Does Fidel have a cell phone? Did Mark Twain automatically a card carrying Good Sam? How many Beanie Babies are enough? A complacent man makes a better target. Tonight: Secure in one’s own madness.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Making money always takes a back seat (pew) to matters of the spirit especially on Sunday mornings when people are watching. Get permission before thinking for yourself. Modesty needs no amplification but a big mouth is for everyone. Don’t let a tiny mind keep you out of the big time. Living in denial could be better than living in Utah. Endeavor to create a healthy mix of will power and won’t power. You are a scale model of perfection albeit the watered down version. Tonight: Sink or swim.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Tip the executioner but never, under any circumstance, pay the band up front. Don’t take anyone too seriously today especially yourself. Avoid someone else’s stress by keeping the blinders firmly about you. Take the initiative and a hasty retreat. Face the facts: You can’t afford luxuries such as canned soup and pasta. If your credit card limit is larger than your posterior you still have lots of shopping in you. Your fluid imagination has made a nest inside your checkbook. Tonight: Induce vomiting.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You are certainly a farce to be reckoned with. Never overestimate the power of personal contact. In conflicts regarding elbow room try to land on your feet. Don’t get too involved in the matters of today until tomorrow. A sleeping dog catches the worms. You are not misunderstood, you are disliked. Things aren’t really as bad as you may think but they could get worse before morning. Keep and open mind and a closed agenda. Tonight: There’s brilliance in solitude.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, alchemist, dog-handler, pawn of the elements, conjurer of friendly spirits
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism
by those who have not got it.”
– George Bernard Shaw
TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE
Everybody’s on the prowl this spring getting their lawns and gardens ready for summer We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Just check your specific star sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.
VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
It’s hip to be unavailable. Conditions that directly affect your personal desires may go public before noon. A thumb ain’t a-worth nothin’ if you just sit on it. You are right on target…unfortunately it’s the wrong target. Presumption is no substitute for perfection. Soften arrivals with a clear date of departure. Tie up all loose canons. Passion will seek its own level. Play the role of martyr only if they give you your own dressing room with a star on the door. Tonight: Brood in the dark.
LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Cut the Tinkerbell crap. Peter is with me now. Choose friends and snow tires more carefully the next time. Your faint jingle will not impress financiers down on main. Shuffle the demands of peers. Sooner or later you will get over the disappointment, not to mention the disgrace, or being dismissed from jury duty. Burn all tedious paperwork. Embrace fringe relationships. Warm, unattended cattle prods may leave one suspicious of Co-workers. Tonight: Yield signs at twenty paces.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Hopes and expectations are often attainable without a side arm. While your input will most likely be ignored, your output will be dissected. Micro-manage! Anyone can grow dreadlocks whereas growing a tail is an impressive accomplishment. Take calculated risks only if you can master the math. Narcissists make poor missionaries…Stay home and meditate to old Miles Davis ditties. Placate your ego and the big and tall shop. Tonight: Chaos in the kitchen.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Chronic elitism conflicts with hygiene deficiencies on your personal resume through the 15th. Brush your teeth to a different drummer. Don’t sass the weed eater. Your cosmic flow needs an oil change. Pay attention without drawing attention. Your temperament is that of a Cape Buffalo. Spend more time naked. Leading off with your wit may leave you deep in the batter’s box. Make promises to the dog only in dog language. Tonight: Run out all fly balls.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
It’s trash day. Couldn’t you put on something nice for a change. Shifting conditions call for some fancy footwork. Despite the fact that your recent achievements have been deemed insignificant by science your glowing failures are the stuff of legends. Train robbery is a felony while writing bad checks is only a misdemeanor. Anticipate inside straights. Tonight: Do not waste time on insignificant objectives such as dinner and dirty dishes.
AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Your stunt person cannot go on that diet for you. Minding your own business, while safer than intrusion, can lead to a boring ledger. It’s easier to turn the other cheek than to button your lip. You cannot listen to inner voices with the television on. An ounce of anvil is worth a pound of feathers every time. Tropical fish are not right for fondue. Wearing old socks to bed could sent the wrong message to a new lover. Tonight: Throw friends out early.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Keep to your own agenda when confronted by worms, grasshoppers or artificial lures. Embrace cold-blooded endeavors. Resist tendencies to flake. Beer-battered is not the proper language for the dinner table or in front of the baby fish. Bottom feeders rarely burn out in frigid waters. Privacy is the key but spawning is the instinct. Mind over matter will be ineffective if you’ve already taken the bait. Fin for yourself. There is no future being part of the chowder. Pescador: clean thyself and always watch for scales. Tonight: Surf the net.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Jupiter, your creditor planet, moves into Mercury rising but is called for an offensive foul. Mercury misses both free throws but hits the three pointer. Your transition game is out of season. Riding the bench is just an expression. Go ahead…change your hair color again – Either way you are still stuck with the same tiny brain. Learn to enjoy forced labor camps. Cultivate feedlot relationships. Wearing those chaps backwards may seem inconsequential to you but your horse knows the difference. Tonight: Barbecued chicken in the hallway.
TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Have faith in a higher power but always get a receipt. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the pavement. You can easily increase your income by making more money. You are as discreet as a caiman at a poodle convention. Milking the proverbial brown cow may leave the pasture in distress. Formula for survival: 5 % inspiration, 95% perspiration. Circling buzzards may have something to say about career aspirations. Tonight: Change your name to something exotic.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
While a closed mind may not open many doors, dirty windows often thwart the advance of intrusive public opinion. Reliance on child-like clarity may be deemed as juvenile in sandbox circles. The habit of looking over one’s shoulder has produced deformities in laboratory rats. Laughter is not always better than tears – It’s just easier to clean up afterwards. Tonight: Let the TV watch you for a change.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Innocent flirtations could be misconstrued leading traumatic interludes and felonious spats. Avoid panic situations. There is no sense being king of the hill when all the action is going on down at the beach. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers start flying it can get downright ugly. Focus on what you are good at…Use a microscope. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Tonight: scapegoat on the grill.
LEO (July 24 – August 23)
Act on the inconsequential. Store good intentions in a cool, dry place. Flanking movements near the time clock will not catapult you into an executive position. Don’t take adversaries for granted…Take them to Cleveland. Is there no end to your limitations? Let others work overtime. Be alert to people camping in your yard. Intuition is always lower at state colleges. Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. Tonight: Cheap beer and caviar
– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)
