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Hermits to host mixer

(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 29 and 30 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two-day affair.

Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.

“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”

Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.

“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus, a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”

Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.

“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.

Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene. 

We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?”

“The human sense of compassion was throttled in countless court-martials, turning everything back to right, so very American right: My Lai is now a tourist destination. There are promo posters in the hotels VISIT MAI LAI. Hearts and minds cast the soul. Herbicides and defoliants. Have the ancestors deserted us for the spirit world? Are they the ghosts in our dreams?

– GI Joe, in Sons of the Morning Star.

Bears and Angel Above Board in Legal Squabble

The Gladstone Bears are expected to drop a painful class action suit against Johnny Angel it was disclosed today. Attorneys for the fury beasts appear to have convinced them that they have no case while a nearby magistrate is leaning toward a dismissal.

Angel, the local hermit, had taken to playing one-armed bingo and eating sausage sandwiches inside a large meal culvert in the middle of town. The grievance declared that he was creating a pubic nuisance, especially in the winter months when the bear are trying to sleep.

“These bullies have sued only resident of the town,” said one circuit judge in Silverton last July. The summons did not cite past misdeeds such as public nudity, baiting, flatulence, drunkenness, halitosis and the insensitive, grotesque exhibition of hides.

Angel, who is most likely unaware of the news, is expected to file a countersuit on the grounds that the bear closed the road to his diggings up Meatloaf Meadow. Furthermore, he claims that bears roughed him up every time he went down to the town’s only bar, which has been closed since the abandonment of the Silver Standard in 1896.

The miner’s friends say he has been hunting salmon over in Topeka Gulch.

As the dust settles San Juan County has agreed to allow the Bears, a semi-professional hurling team, to play their home games at Ghost Field, the scene of much wickedness and debauchery especially in the later innings. Meanwhile Hinsdale and Ouray Counties are shuffling trapped, stranded spirits, local ghosts and unnecessary elected officials in an attempt to field a team by May.

The hermit, as our readers often proudly remind the public, gained marginal notoriety when in 1975 he discovered a pretend land route from Eureka to the East Sea. He is the author of Spooning in Animas Forks, a detailed chronicle and comparison of telephone books used as seating accessories in the Opera Houses and Brothels of San Juan County (1879 – 1899). Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned, Ed and Red Herring for contributing to this report