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Hermit Study Nets Little

(Gunnison) A ultra-census attempt to interview and catalogue the region’s hermits has been declared a dismal failure by bureaucrats who “already cashed the check”.

     Of the more than 100 hermits contacted at their homes between December and February only one would talk to researchers.

     “And he wanted to bum a smoke,” said one dejected staff member. “Most of these persons would not even come to the door if they had one.”

     Hermits who were cornered often stared back aimlessly when questioned by staff social scientists and nutritionists. Many only looked at their pretend wristwatches in apprehension of the meeting’s closure.

     “They were up to their coy little hermit tricks, but we’re wise to that action,” said Lolly Zippee, herself a recovering hermit. “They are not dealing with idiots here!”

     Many hermits reportedly work nights and were not welcoming at their place of residence during business hours. Most do not have phones or social media.

     “I was surprised how nice they dressed,” said an intern. “One generally thinks of a hermit as someone with a long beard, a staff and a sack cloth, whatever that is.

     An After Hours mixer is slated for later in the summer. Organizers hope it might lure the hermits out to meet other hermits.

     “If this doesn’t get their attention we’ll subpoena them,” laughed Zippee. 

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Men gave flowers, chocolates and perfume. They often paid 60 or 70 marks for a dinner in an expensive restaurant. They did not know how much happier you would be if they paid 20 marks for the dinner and 40 marks in cash.” (to their companion)

-Sybil in The Oppermanns