All Entries Tagged With: "hangover cures withheld"

Planets Set to Collide

(Substratum Observatory) Astronomers here predict that either Mars or Venus (or both) will collide with planet Earth, resulting in mass destruction and an end to life as we have known it. The frightening impact is expected somewhere between the next few days and the next 750 years, depending on negative energy flow, external phenomenon and the weather. Residents of the affected planets are urged

to stockpile food water and blankets so as to have the best chances of survival.

     “We apologize for the inaccuracies contained in our report,” said one scientist, “and we would like to be more exact in our calculations but it’s tough to tell what is what and who is who in outer space. Trying to decide what time to have lunch is tough enough without trying to predict the arrival time of bedlam and pandemonium.”

     Meanwhile an official gov’ment statement released this morning denies any knowledge of suspicious behavior on the part of Mars and Venus. In addition leaders in world capitals agree that all residents should continue their daily rituals and not worry about “silliness that they cannot control”.

     “Like it or not the collisions could come at any time,” continued the astronomical source, “so we may as well enjoy life, although it might not hurt to get one’s cosmic ducks in a row.”

-Manuel Flushe

Soviets Withheld Hangover Cure from People

(Moscow) The KGB and other control factions in the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 50 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of ripe Georgian peppercorns, liquid oxygen, generous portions of vitamin B, and dried Tabasco sauce lightly shaken with tepid vodka, was discovered by none other than Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1944. Sadly the paranoid dictator did not make his findings public, in fact did not share these remedial qualities with even his close friends and family, until his death in 1953.

     The embarrassing disclosures were released as part of a continuing house cleaning in the Kremlin. It was not clear at press time if controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin had knowledge of the proceedings. 

     Stalin’s sad legacy had survived until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure for advanced exposure to vile spirits was leaked to reporters by a Communist party girl during a weekend fling in Minsk. Since then the party girl has relocated to Finland and cannot be contacted for comment. The official recipe was never circulated within the hard-drinking population since it was destroyed by fire during the Yeltson Era. 

     According to statements attributed to the now deceased Yeltsin “It remains horribly barbaric and intensely cruel to those of us that enjoy a daily repast and often exceed our limits. Withholding information of this magnitude swerves as further proof that Stalin was not only mad but chronically stupid.”

     For decades party officials had complained of lost workdays and low production, often attributing these social maladies to the liberal consumption of “barrio vodka”. Had Stalin shared his discoveries the Soviet System may have succeeded or at least shown better yields in factories and collective farms.

     “The world might be a different place today had the Soviets applied this saving catalyst,” said one expert who often dresses as Stalin and still lives with his (not Stalin’s) mother.

     The ancients seem to have possessed a remedy for alcohol poisoning as they called it. Researchers have doggedly pursued a cold trail in this vein since the Crusades. Prior to that time the personified factions of good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first put cork to bottle, brewing beer in 3500 BC.

– Gregory Rasputin Jr.

SICK BLAMED FOR HEALTH CARE WOES

(Warshington) Opponents of the absent/diluted National Health Care program, proposed by the Obama Administration, say that sick people are the major stumbling block in creating an effective policy here. The culprits, they say, lay around in hospital beds doing virtually nothing all day. 

     Republicans, careful not to offend the right-wing Christian sector, added that these problem citizens should either get healthy or bow out gracefully so as to allow the rest of us to afford protection.

     Saying that these “selfish malcontents are jeopardizing the standard of living for everyone”, a spokesperson for the Sturgeon General’s Office promised to look into the matter after the November elections.

     “We’re all down with the flu this week,” whined the source,. If we had premier coverage like Congress we’d probably be able to make it to work and actually get something accomplished.”

     In the interim, concerned parties on the left and right have called for a freeze on legal immigration so that “fevered clusters of humanity can be better curtailed”. These highly vocal groups have even gone so far as to demand clean bills of health from groups entering the county illegally and serve them up as some sort of example to the sleepy American voter.

     “The last thing we need is a bunch of aliens getting sick and ruining it for everyone else,” said a T-Bag from somewhere south of reality. “If they insist on having babies here the least they could do is have the dignity to buy American-made diapers!”

     When later informed that all “American” diapers (and American flags for that matter) are now made in China the enlightened source was at a loss for further misspelled words and bad grammar.

     In a rare appearance at a suburban Virginia dog show President Obama told reporters that “blaming the infirm for health care woes was like blaming pets for leash laws”. It’s high time we identified the sandbaggers in the system and rooted them out one at a time,” said the Chief Executive. Following an enthusiastic response by those in attendance, the President promised to recognize no less than 16 new breeds of dog if elected for a second term. He did not mention cats.

     Called cheap grandstanding by dwindling voices in the Republican camp, the action was seen by non-partisan forces as an attempt to placate the sick while securing the canine vote in the coming campaigns.

     “Isn’t it about time the middle classes picked up the slack,” said one lobbyist for the American Medical Association. “If we wait for the rich or poor to cover our arses we could be six feet under before sunset. How can we realistically expect to find any answers with all the coughing and nose blowing taking precedence over common scents?”

– Tommy Middlefinger