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County roads closed to protect endangered grouse

(Gunnison) Many area back roads and even a few highways will be closed this spring to protect the wild habitat of the now famous Gunnison Grouse. Besides all country roads in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties authorities have closed State Highway 50 from midnight until noon to allow the grouse to mate without interruption.

Highway 135 will be shutdown the day after Easter until July 4 unless the birds themselves complain.

While no one on either side of the controversial closings has ever actually talked to a grouse many have strong opinions. Apparently so do many grouse.

One Ohio City man says he speaks for the birds.

“We (the grouse) damn sure shudder at the sound of a bulldozer in our habitat but all these people snooping around in the backyard experimenting with us aren’t helping much either. It’s like missionaries bringing small pox to the god-less savages. We would simply like to be left alone. And there’s no reason to close the roads since none of us drive cars.”

If the road closures are deemed effective Coloradans may see plenty of rivers closed in the autumn to protect the Kokanee.

On the Confront Range, leaders are calling for a complete closure of all state and federal highways to protect humans, who, although not at all endangered are often driven mad due to overexposure to traffic. Back roads are so far deferred from the plan but motorists are warned that they (the roads) can be slick, muddy and/or dusty depending on the season.

“We will shut down I-70 and I-25 if that’s what it take to protect our way of life,” said a gubernatorial aide who demanded he wear an Elmer Fudd mask while on camera. “I wonder what Georgetown would look like without all the cars.”

-Estelle Marmotbreath

“Only two reasons to stop playing golf: You die or you run out of golf balls.” – traditional saying among putters