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Guilt Dumpsters Back

(Wimpton) 17 official guilt dumpsters will again grace convening points throughout Gunnison County this fall. Sponsored by Taylor Park Mental Health in the Rockies, the large trash cylinders are already in place in green, shady, nondescript, alternate locales.

Well employed by residents and visitors up here soon they will come to your town or sector.

The massive steel receptacles, hauled in all the way from Utah, are capable of handling everything from white lie misnomers to full out industrial mid-winter “ I can’t believe I did that” sins to naughty thoughts to that long ago regret that was never brought to closure.

“The last thing we need around these dumpsters is a lot of moralizing,” said Prez Pabste, vice president of Above Ground Compactions at Al’s Backhoe of Crested Butte, the firm that introduced the guilt dumpsters back in 1980. “Do you know the manpower required to move 20 cubic tons and this debris and bury it 20 feet deep?”

That, as Pabste claims, is the chore, the residue, the reality of half-baked ideas. Most agree the guilt dumpsters are therapeutic and self-enriching. They make us better neighbors. They allow for introspection and in some cases they wipe the slate clean. It is only when the contents are jiggled around that they approach toxic levels.

Many here have expressed concern over the brutality unprofessional collection of guilt and the failure of some to follow the basic rules of common sense and safety. For instance, dumpers are required to arrive with all drop guilt packaged in a hermetically sealed box (provided by the gov’ment with your tax returns) and undergo the dehumanizing effects of a hastily arranged precautionary spot-check operated by off-duty Transportive Sincerity Adaption (TSA) officers and their friends.

“This guilt shit is heavy duty,” continued a pear psychologist from Marble where the guilt dumpsters could land as early as Friday. “Schofield (Pass) doesn’t have the infrastructural methodology to conduct such a move,” said Dr. Efram “Carl” Pennywhistle, a fellow in Carbondale. “Look at the mess the bighorns leave each fall and they are pretty much self-contained.”

Already satellite businesses are springing up in the vicinity of the culpability canisters. Two counseling centers and  liquor store plan a grand opening in September while St Roscoe’s Basilica is expected to participate in the expansion with mobile confessionals for those mired in the Bark Ages.

“It’s compunction, contrition and convolution!” exclaimed Pabste, elbowing his way back into the limelight of crisp dialogue. “There is no excuse for illegal dumping now!”

To locate your guilt dumpster/culpability canister consult your GPS or just stare into the mirror until the data appears. This will not provide a little schedule, addresses and hours due to security concerns. You may go on-line at but then another federal agency will have your email information.

“Your attention on this matter is of the gravest uncertainty as consciousness gradually shifts into fifth gear.” stressed Pabste.

– Fred Zeppelin

“I’d love to spend a few hours standing here at the grill discussing the plight of the urban coyote but we’re out of lard and I have a a very drunk line cook to contend with.”

-Red to Muffy Hollandaise at Red’s Gravy Heaven, next to the Giant Turd Fossil RV Park zip line, Escucha al Monte.