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VISITING ALIENS WILL TALK ONLY TO THE IRISH

(Dublin) In the hubbub ash of recently alleged Chinese-Alien messaging, one preference is clear. Extraterrestrials favor communicating exclusively with the Irish. According to astronomers and telescope cowboys all over the Emerald Isle that only stands to reason.

Ireland’s remote rocky Atlantic may be less threatening than continental Europe and more accessible than more southern and western cores of civilization according to sources at NASA and Roskosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency.

“The landscape may be attractive, landing zones more plentiful, the populace more accepting and customs more familiar,” said Eamon Leap, of West Cork Observatory in Union Hall. “Irish is classified as none of the more difficult languages while the music is the easiest to embrace.”

Leap said many in his village believed that leprechauns still lived in the middle earth and that the banshee visits the dying while tinkers and tenors roamed free, walking amid the stars above.

“The jump to accepting extraterrestrials in our sky is not a formidable one,” winked Leap.

As most of our readers no doubt already know the claim by the Chinese that they had direct contact with alien beings was dismissed by “knowledgable sources” who contend that the recorded chatter and strained sounds came from humans mucking up the radar with their microwave ovens and hair dryers.

Many too are skeptical of the flashy Sky Eye Fast Telescope, the pride of China Manned Space Agency, that they say picks up only artificial signals on aging cryogenic receivers.

“The Chinese are rookies,” said a combative spokesman from SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence). “They have no business being up here with the planets. The suggestion that advanced beings would seek out Beijing is laughable and potentially harmful to sensitive contacts that happen everyday. We are on it. The Chinese are not,” he rammed.

Meanwhile in Connemara, a mysterious, yet official-looking memo discovered in Westport Town suggests some sort of soiree of fiddler’s proportions should be arranged for mid-September. What might be Hiberno-Martian scribbling could be referring to 1916 and Bana Strand welcoming parties who, despite 4 kegs of Guinness and 40 Loaves and Fishes managed to spoil another uprising against the King. A small plow and star are said to have appeared in the sky over Sligo moments after the memo from “Friends in the Ballyheigue Galaxies”.

“If the extraterrestrials want to chat the Irish make the best talkers on the planet,” continued Leap. “Throw in a little Druid, some bogland, a few Vikings, green mountains, seafood, the finest sailing, good whiskey and the people and it’s no surprise we were first pick.”

Hopes that a meeting could be arranged on Stevens Green or Trinity College were shattered when the prospective date turned out to be a bank holiday, one of many days off for a large chunk of the population.

Despite a mute Dahl many others share opinions and reactions in Wexford.

“It took us 700 years to get rid of the last intruders from over across the water,” said one man. “Let’s not be so naive to think these marauders are just coming for tea.”

Several men at the bar at Doyle’s Bar echoed similar sentiments saying that the economy didn’t need anymore outsiders on the public dole.

A man walking on the Liffey welcomed the space travelers.

“We can all live together just so long as the rashers hold out,” he said.

Meanwhile the final word coming down from the shawlies on the Shannon suggests that there is very little we can do about who sails into our harbors, either from the sea or the skies.

“So why worry now?” they asked.

“The Irish stand the best chance of communicating and appreciating the tasks of space wanderers considering Diaspora of that group and tendency toward articulate if not lavish grammar and a sense of the big picture…Looking out into the Atlantic may provide lots of visual.”

“We know the Norsemen and Danes built Galway, Waterford and Cork but did creatures from other planets really build all these pubs?” 

-Finbar Lug