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Indiana KKK still using Aunt Jemima products 

(Indianapolis) Five persons were indicted today charged with hate crimes relating to the continued use of Aunt Jemima products despite a national ban on such behavior .

“The benevolent and protective government has recently declared the end of racism in America in accordance with the disappearance of Aunt Jemima pancake flour,” said Lorena Huckaboo. “We solved this problem in Arkansas by ignoring it.”

In embracing critical space theory, the feds hope to alleviate outward signs of discrimination within these borders. Secret breakfast meetings allegedly include butter and Aunt Jemima pancake syrup leftover from Chickamauga.

Schools Will Receive 3.6 million in artificial intelligence

(Bland Valley))  Tons of artificial intelligence were dumped at over 40 institutes of learning this week with more expected by May. The expansive data has been distributed based on immediate need and the size of student population.

“We can’t open the boxes yet,” said one principle. “It has to steep, wallow and gel before start of fall classes.”

Some on GOP right flank deny 2023 exists

(Washington) In yet another departure from responsible governing, some fringe members of the Grand Old Party have questioned the existence of 2023. Amid yelling and stomping, 10 elected officials say 2022 was stolen and thus 2023 is invalid.

“We do not recognize the smooth transfer of power from 2022 to 2023 and therefore it is still 2022,” said Rep. Flora Babbit, of Colorado. Months were missing from the official register due to calendar miscalculations and blatant theft of weeks at a time when no one was looking.

Critics of the announcement say that their twisted colleagues often do not know what day it is and that most are still living in the Dark Ages, making their accusations “weak and silly”. 

McDonald, Burger King, Wendy Honored as Gay Pioneers

(Confront Range) Three stalwarts of the chemical food industry were honored as gay pioneers by the Denver City Council this morning. Then following the civil ceremony they were awarded the Cross of Merit today for their part in creating a climate of mindless as well as unhealthy eating practices.

“Without the efforts of people like these we would still have to maneuver through the often confusing and murky depths of choice and varied distinction that once defined Americana,” said the Lord Mayor from a prepared statement. 

Several gay consortiums have criticized the efforts of the local government to associate them with the demise of a culture that, until recently excluded so many minorities.

“Now they want to link us to fast food icons,” said one woman, “while tiny brains stew waiting for another helping of fries.”